Big Jake was rough and ready,
scarred from the unions,
takin in blood money from the state,
that jailed his friends,
and changed his name.
He watched them pitch pennies
against the nickel and dime store,
waitin to drop a dime,
to buy their nickel bags.
The tramps and pigs and junkies
that occupy the glow
from the street lamp,
know old Jake well.
He used to score in paradise,
and take chump change in limbo,
returning with his white horse
and Panama hat,
that hid his blood shot eyes.
By the coffee houses and the street cafes
he jostles the painters hand,
to arrange the picture as he sees fit.
Old Jake's gone now,
he resides in the mists
of housewives and nine to fivers.
They trim their lawn
and build their fences,
and hire him to mend them.
A contest entry
- Rhyme,Lyrics, Prose, Dirty Pretty. by Antebellum.
800 points, ended September 24, 290 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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A little of Croce, a hint of Springsteen/LateDylan, early Cohen and a lot of bad raps from too many drinks in bars I don't remember.
Now, I think the first verse should be the third and the fourth verse comes in like a LSD interlude after years of gin bottle blues. Tone is part of character. This is the self-help improvement dialog.
If you weren't a step or two above average, perceptive and gifted, I would n't waste the time.
Peace,
Tom B.
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lil Joe never once hit the street....
sorry, had to put that Lou Reed quote in as this poem is reminiscent of the infamous take a walk on the wild side. love the verse:
"He used to score in paradise,
and take chump change in limbo,
returning with his white horse
and Panama hat,
that hid his blood shot eyes."
you weave a good tale.
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A great story, showing the scenes that most people don't remember, or wouldn't like to remember. Great job, and best of luck in the contest.
-Nathan -
Wow.
this would be an awesome song.
veryyy lyrical.
The second to last stanza is amazing. deffinitly my favorite part.thanks for entering. -
I think i might just have an inkleing toward your point there.
Thankyou.
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hm. what do i think?
well i have no clear clue as to what its about. but i really really really really really really like the WAY you write. your style...
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Reincarnation - how many of us have changed and been reborn as something else. Jake did just that, once a dealer - now a handy man. We all have our stories and I would love to hear his in detail. The stories he could tell. I enjoyed reading this, and loved where your words took me.
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street poetry
perhaps we knew in a past life...the words are different but the meanings so similar. I will certainly find time to read more of your work. And yup I'm half Irish and half German, and a gypsy as far as that goes. It's actually my nick-name 'the gypsy'. So strange, we must have similar influences.This is a beautiful write. -
this cries SONG
after hearing what it is you do I ment to ask if you write the lyrics for some of your music. I am sure you must. excelent story poem. I like the story songs. this could be one.
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Bravo!
Liked this story poem that was vivid & used fine imagery to bring it to life. Like the progression of this as Jake's life unfolds. Nice work.
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This tells a great story. Wonderful word choice. Wow!!!!!
You never cease to amaze me with the way you write.
-deadly -
Thank you entering my contest.....Novy
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wow i like this alot, gonna carry with my rummaging soon lol xx
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WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
all i'm going to say is when i'm done writing this you go on my favotites list -
your words never cease to tell a great story,
i guess age comes to all of us, no mater who you are.
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Well first off let me start off by saying excellent write!
Second of all i so don't want to get old but i know i'm slowly getting there. lol
This piece made me feels as if i were right in the story. YOu made it feel so alive.
Great job!
-Mandi
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your work is always so real, I can almost smell the life in this one, I always feel as if i have walked in the places you write about, you have such a gift with words,
thankyou and have a nice day
theresa
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damnnnn. very much in the spirit of this contest. nice write, glad you brought this one back out. Kudos and best of luck.
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Bad dealers
Bad dealers seemingly do not last very long. The pimp, dealer and bookie. All slick and just part of everyday life in the big city. lol
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You tell a great story with a poetic twist to it. Very interesting to read. I enjoyed this one though. Well done.
Mylee -
this was creative hon i enjoyed your story here the way you put this good luck in this
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Well, that wren't about me!!
Poor jake.
I don't wanna grow old...
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very good poem, good story. i like it. thanks for entering
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Very well said .... Experience is worth everything and it shows in you...its a sheer pleasure talking to you .
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WOW
It was so touching the way you put it. I otherwise wouldn't have been interested in the idea, but your unique style caught my eye. I absolutely love your poems, some for ideas, all for the words (In the magnificent way you write them in poetry) -
very good poem, you did amazing at it thanks for posting and for sharing it
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This is a wonderful piece I really do like it. Thank you for sharing this. It is the way of so many that it is hard to keep track of them all. I know that I like this one very much.
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sorry, I have already commented on this before. It is a great piece.
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Well-written. This is a very thought-provoking piece, filled with vivid pictures that create emotion. I can feel that emotion. Love the last three lines. A great poem. Thanks for entering!
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This is a thoughtful and well penned bit of verse, to be sure. The little details fill in spaces to create an image quite complete. I love the not so subtle drug refernces (nickle bags, score in Paradise, white horse, blood shot eyes) and the fresh application of contemporary terms (dropping dimes). Captures a flawed man and his futile life with deftness. Very enjoyable read.
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This is a good blue collar, workin mans poem. I sure could use someone for hire to mend me.
Come on by poe, I got the spaceship warmed up and ready!
creatress
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Hmmm
I'm left to ponder this one. Very good, though. I like how it makes me think. Wonderful job!
s
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Wow! This write really makes me think. There is so much wisdom that can be taken from this. It is kind of like the old adage, you reap what you sow. A very creative write. Great job! Blessings, Patty
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Nice job on this work here Lowell. Good story from with this one! I admire your talent. THANKS SO MUCH!!
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I don't know if intriguing is the right word, exactly. But, there is something of a story there that makes one want to know more. It's like a glance at a picture and you know there must be much to be found. I'd like to see some more of the story of old Jake.
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intriguing
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sorry, already commented on this, clicked before I realised.
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strange. it is a well-enough written poem, a reprieve from trite, badly written verse that plagues this site. i wonder who it is about?
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.. interesting. I'd like to know what inspired this. Well penned and made me think, I like it well done ^.^
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Great write!
Wow! this is the start marvelous story for allstory.com. I am seeing the filth of despair at his feet reading your piece. Good job relaying your message. Blessings, Angellightwolf
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What a brilliant character portrayal! You demonstrate so well how time reduces someone, in the end, to what they have sewn in life. A seemingly big man with little heart, reliant on handouts from the wives of working men. The lines about the painters hand are a brilliant metaphor for how people restructure their own story to suit.
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Excellent comment. Right on the money.
Thank you.
LOWELL
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:)
Pure picture of greatness!!!!
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=]
well done. it was deff. worth the points;]
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Im thinking that I really like this poem... alot yet I'm still thinking of whether too take it at point blank or to search deeper for some hidden meaning that nobody knows about...
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I like this but...
I feel that I missed out on a few more stanzas that would make the difference between a good piece and a great piece. But this was good !
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This one drips of you! What you've seen, what you've heard, what you know. You have a knack for the statements you make with all of your pieces! Social commentary, or sorts... I love this!
"Old Jake's gone now,
he resides in the mists
of housewives and nine to fivers."
Nice, Poe, very nice!
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My actual favourite poem of yours that you've written. I was having one heck of a nasty day and then I read this and feel much better having done so - a really enjoyable write, in a very entertaining sense. I love the transition! From "The tramps and pigs and junkies
that occupy the glow
from the street lamp,
know old Jake well."
to
"he resides in the mists
of housewives and nine to fivers.
They trim their lawn
and build their fences,
and hire him to mend them."
Thankyou so much for this, I loved every word and it held me close from start to finish.
Another great piece, brother!
Jess x
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this is a great write. Keep up the great work.
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I'm glad you changed the pitch phrase
this poem reminds me of the '60s songs Big Jim and A Man named LeRoy Brown. Only with a twist and a little stranger. Also a song called Big Bad John, that actually fits the story line of the poem-you might find it on YouTube. -
I like this one it has the feeling of a hell raising life. It's a great write. A suggestion - I think word you've used in the line " he goseles the painters hand" is jostles. Happy trails neighbor. Keep up the good work
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This is incredibly lyrical. The tone is so gritty and I love your story telling in your work. This really gets into my head. I especially like the word use, very unique, to create a wonderful creature! Thanks for being you...Leah
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