Hear the echo of silence in the wall.
It resounds in an angry and loud roar.
Pain will come when nothing is said at all.
We’ve protested more than we can recall.
Felt the heart slam from a bitter shut door.
Hear the echo of silence in the wall.
They try to stand but cannot stand at all.
Inner wounds fester then they become sore.
Pain will come when nothing is said at all.
Silent souls toppled by a wrecking ball.
Their blood stirring in ripples on life’s shore.
Hear the echo of silence in the wall.
Can you hear the dead give their bloody call?
The screaming doomed try to unlock Hells door.
Pain will come when nothing is said at all.
Pain needs silence but in silence we fall.
Empty shells scattered on the ocean floor
Hear the echoes of silence in the wall
Pain will come when nothing is said at all.
In a list
A contest entry
- A contest for villanelles. by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended May 15, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I like the "echoes of silence" thing. Thanks for sharing. Nice poem
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OOO!!! I did like this... It is an immense Villanelle. I have been pondering this contest too but I'm not getting anywhere fast... I had better steel myself up for the comments if I manage one... Looks like they are going to teach us a few things in this contest...??? Are you going to edit??? Plus... I suck a punctuation...!!!
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Punctuation is more ...
than just a period at the end of each line.
They try to stand, but cannot stand at all.
Inner wounds fester; then they become sore.
Pain will come when nothing is said at all.
is your best stanza by far. It just needs the comma and the semi-colon.
As far as the writing is concerned, this isn't bad. You actually have a few really good lines here, but sometimes you seem to be all over the map with this.
This line:
Silent souls toppled by a wrecking ball.
is not the most auspicious of the lot, but it still works after a fashion.
These two are a bit over the top:
Can you hear the dead give their bloody call?
The screaming doomed try to unlock Hells door.
The poem is primarily about the pain of living, and seems to work fairly well, but then you wander off into Dante's Inferno.
I'd think about that, and find something more appropriate, if it were my poem.
Obviously, you can write, and this is not a bad start. However, I think you have to remember that you need to be true to the spirit of your poem. If you are going to write about Dante's Inferno, the whole thing should be on that same level, but if you are just writing about the pain of living (which, admittedly can be very powerful), you should try not to demean that by going over the top with your descriptive references.
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