My Ohio-sky sun rays,
F
a
l
l
i
n
g
Down, onto the concrete.
Making it burn and scorch my bare feet.
The heat:
g
n
i
s
i
R
Back into the atmosphere.
Which is reflected back
D
o
w
N
To the plants, fueling their push
p
U
from the Earth.
This energy, be it kinetic or chemical;
Y C
C L
S E
Creating, destroying.
Helping, hurting.
E , p s t
n e o g s
e i e h ing
rgy t k i n g
Author notes
I thought I'd give this a try.
The letters in Life spell out;
Energy, it keeps things going
I believe this is what is called 'Dirty-Pretty'. Maybe it is supposed to be a bit more grungy?
Ah well, I like forming pictures with words, so there you go.
A contest entry
- Dirty Pretty :] by XfaceXdownX.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Kids, Grownups, Seniors--Everyone Will Find Something Fun Here! by Dancing the Rumba.
869 points, ended May 27, 2008, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1709 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes....Or Does It? by lowercase prelude.
1500 points, ended July 8, 2008, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Mistakes? Improvements that need to be made? Tips and tricks? I'd like some advice please.
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i have nothing bad to say as i don't think i could do this form myself, its a lovley poem very centered and flowing great smoothness to it and it flows along nice, i enjoy the meaning which you describe well to the point
well done xxx
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not bad, however your ending is confusing, to the point of being unreadable
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Again, it isn't supposed to be. In the author's notes I put what it says.
Did you read them?
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This was a wonderful write!!! I really loved this..
You did a amazing job.. The form of this poem I've never seen before.. and the imagery was wonderful..
Thank you for sharing.
Best of luck...
Angel
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This was clever, I sat and stared and thought about the last bit, but didn't get it yet. I'm going to give it another try. Subject matter is wonderful, topical, this is a poem that is clever with no word out of place.
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i really love the way this is set up
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Thank you so much for the gold trophy! Also, I'm very sorry for your loss. I really do hope your weeks and months get better.
-Beide
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I love it, it's great!
Simple but effective and you have used a theme with words which beg for the treatment which you have given them.
Yes, I agree that the 'Life' part perhaps needs a little work- I think its the 'F' and 'E', the 'F' looks only half way capital and also more importantly I don't think the order of letters is consistent enough to follow easily.
I think well worth working on the ending a little more.
Sol
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Hey, thank you for commenting! I've tried and tried to fix that, but something about the way Allpoetry is coded makes the letter order appear off. It really is driving me crazy!
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Yes the editing facility has driven me nuts sometimes too.
Have you tried typing it out inside your own application like text edit or whatever, then copy and pasting it in. If need be you could hold the letters in place by using '0's or 'X's in a different colour, perhaps even similar to the background so they disappear, yes?
Good luck! Sol
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Oh! I hadn't thought of doing that! Those are really good ideas!
I'm going to go see if it works!
Thanks!
-Beide
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Good, but
that ending is very messy, at least it seems to be to me. I'm very glad you explained it in your author's notes. Also when you refer to the plants pushing UP-somewhere I think you need a space...it took me a bit to figure it out. You might want to confer with someone who has done many "dirty-pretty" poems; they could help you more. -
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Yes, it was a lot better when I first typed it out, but Allpoetry kept posting it weird. I had to keep modifying it, so it would make at least a little sense. Yeah, I probably should confer with another person who knows a good deal about the form. Anyway, thank you very much for the pointers and critique! I get tired of people not being honest and leaving my 'fluffy' comments. Also, thank you for taking the time to look at the other poem of mine! I'm very proud of it, so I appreciate the compliment and applause!
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Just one thing rising not "riseing". I like the layout here. It wasn't confusing or hard to read. Great imagery.
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Ah! Thank you! I'm glad you caught that, because apparently spell check didn't!
Thanks again!
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I might find this a bit irritating on any other subject but it fitted this one perfectly. I like the way you reflect the cycle of return by changing the direction of the falling/rising word. I couldn't quite make out the last bit other than 'energy peeking' perhaps mine is, I'm a little tired.
Great idea, enjoyed it!
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Thank you for the compliments and the applause! I'm glad you thought it worked out, since I didn't know if it would or not.
Also, the last words are jumbled up to form the word Life.
Those words are: Energy, it keeps you going. It is hard to read, unfortunately.
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