Vacant eyes
I lay in bitter cold,
black satin
clings to
shivers.
You left, I’m hollow.
Roses
were
never
made
for
love.
Author notes
Went to words over..sorry but couldn't weed any out, needs that many lol
Used the title of the picture roses were never made for love..to inspire the piece, as well as using it
Hope it's enjoy...and before you ask, I don't have a broken heart etc etc , Happily in love, just written for contest
Picture credit/link http://darkartists-inc.deviantart.com/art/Roses-Are-Not-Made-For-Love-81148160
In a list
A contest entry
- 10/20/20 Quickie!! Pic Prompt... why not I say!! by kiwigirljacks.
750 points, ended May 3, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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really good auntie
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I usually don't comment on other commments. But, this time I could not resist. I dont see anything wrong with "you left" or "I'm hollow". You've is a passive form, you chose the stonger from. Use of the pronoun makes it more personal and less cold and stark. I dont see them as bad grammar but rather as artistic differences. Congratulations on the HM.
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Thank you
And you are right I was going for the punch...the strong you left..by doing it that...I did have it as you've left at first..and it didn't have that umph it needed, like the rest too..So you are spot on.
Thanks again
Cindy
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Bad grammer. (Suggestion: you've left...)Though potentially interesting format.
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actually I want more of an explanation as to what is so wrong with you left..please
and yeah have been playing aorund with format a bit recently
Cindy -
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You're mixing tenses. Past and present.
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And why is that so wrong?
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I don't know. Ask my sixth grade teacher.
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woteva im ova it..It is fine the way it is and it's staying that way
Cindy -
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Aight home fry. Dat's yo prerogative.
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Beautifully done, I think you could have left out the 'I'm' before hollow and let hollow stand alone, would have been ok and understood, but see you won an HM so with a poem that speaks in this much emotion it worked as it was. Love, C
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wow..
this is anzeing sis
i love you -
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Thanks Sissy, love U too
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Aww... gee I have felt this feeling before... the coldness and shivering that comes after heartbreak!!
Wonderful!
(lol.. 2 words over..that's cool.. I would probably have changed "I lay" to "lying" and "were never" to "weren't"... ?)
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yeah so have I, gee's havent we bloody all, hey.
Great pic darl, thanks for the inspiration..Good suggestions too..I so just couldn't do it..I like changing I lay to lying..weren't is good cept I wanted to stay true to the pic title lol
Cin
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Wonderfully written...captured the feelings in the picture well...
All the best!
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Thank you so much
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This is such a lovely write. I really enjoyed the ending, it had so much emotion in it. Well done and best of luck for the contest.
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goodluck sis
cant wait to see it
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