i)
we will make everything
from torn skirts,
she begged
(to love her),
and swore it wasn't
from loneliness.
she lied
at the age of sixteen,
holding onto rubber eyes,
disowning the industry
of her hands;
didn't
want to be a war woman.
ii)
there is no house
to hold her mined
sanity.
she never
thought she could find sin
in peace
and in pieces.
tired nights drooped
white oleander over her doorstep,
and she was stitches
torn by acid rain
on her tongue.
iii)
when she painted her scarves
the color of grief,
she had lived too many days
of bright colors,
the hope high flashing
neon underneath her gums.
and it was '69
and she had never been
so happy just to fall
asleep.
Author notes
inspired by listening to sixties music all day.
the first bit is related to bob dylan's "like a rolling stone", released in... i want to say '65.
the second part is inspired by the animals, "house of the rising sun", released in '66.
the third part is of course, "paint it black," by the rolling stones, released in '66.
it's about a woman in the sixties, who gets worn out at the end by all the "rebellion," and feels like her own attempts at rebellion end up an imitation that means nothing.
In a list
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 8: Round 6 - Top 10 by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended May 11, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique:
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Liz, I thought you did an awesome job.
The first part was above average for me.
Second part was genius.
The third part was no different.
"white oleander over her doorstep,
and she was stitches
torn by acid rain
on her tongue."
one of my favorite parts out of anything written so far in the competition. this is up there with valor's desert imagery a few rounds ago.
I think the direction you went with this was a perfect set up. Instead of using the events itself as the main concept - I like how you painted a portrait of this woman. To depict the culture of the 60's through a character takes a tremendous amount of skill.
One of my favorite poems so far out of the entire contest.
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man tyler....
you flatterer, you.
thanks so much! -
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haha i'm just honest.
& therefore sometimes a flatterer? -
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only sometimes, only sometimes.
although it plays to your advantage because it makes you an AWESOME JUDGE.
i always feel warm and fuzzy. even when you bash my collaborative efforts (which has happened). haha. -
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haha thanks. i get that a lot, but just as much as i get 'your mean, your an asshole, etc.' kind of responses. lol
i just think it's so meaningless to say to people 'omg you did an amazing job' and then give them a really crappy score after that. like, what the hell? how would anyone believe a word of what the judge would say after that?
lol -
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i dunno, the honesty is nice. honestly, it's like... my parents and my friends and all these people are always like, "ahh, you can write well," and i'm like, thanks, but i need some fucking criticism or i'll never get better.
and it always helps. and you're not saying it to be mean, just to help us get better.
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i love love love the third part, and the song. especially the last stanza. for some very odd reason, lizzy, it really touched something deep inside.
damn, lizzy, you shoulda broken both your arms, so you couldn't type or write at all. then the rest of us might have a chance.
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Haha, you're gonna win. You or Dienush or Never Fall In Love because your writing is brilliant.
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jesus, kid. people don't compliment you cuz they want brownie points. it's because you're totally and utterly sick at this AND WE KNOW IT WELL.
so stop
being
stupid.
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My gosh this is brilliant!!! At this moment I think you'll win the whole Teen Idol
"she lied
at the age of sixteen,
holding onto rubber eyes,
disowning the industry
of her hands;
didn't
want to be a war woman. " -- that does more than just make me self conscious. It's lovely how you seem to have made such a complex, beautifully worded analogy between society and a teen girl. Just wow.
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Wow.
Thanks. your poetry is brilliant too, I'm worried you'll knock me out.
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