Cry for the pains we share,
For the trials we will bear,
Then follow me, through blood and rain,
Mortal wounds, and bullet chains.
March forward, we must go,
For all the world, our strength to show,
Show our families,, we fight to the death,
Revealing in time, the might of the mess.
Dirt in my mouth, blood in my eyes,
To struggle and die behind enemy lines.
March, forward, rally around me,
We'll provide a world of greed with the gifts of our mercy.
Then we'll listen to them all, speaking of us low.
Take my brother's pride and honor, throw it out the window.
We fight to save the lowest, the leaders fight to own,
Sleeping in their private jets, whiile the wounded moan.
Bleeding besides my allies and friends,
I watch dead replaced with the new ones they send..
Who will take my place? The bullets to devour,
The darkness creeps into my spine, my heart turns frail and sour.
Soon I'll rest besides, the thousands counting gone,
We'll speak in fiery toungues of the souls that we have drawn.
Dreaming of the loved ones we may never see again,
Praying for our brothers who still suffer in our stand.
Remebering the job we did, the love that we devote,
So others can enjoy a land where we deceive and vote,
So other can continue to insult and to complain,
About the soldiers taking bullets where blood falls like the rain.
end.
-Dorick
A contest entry
- A Wrong World Turned Worse by MusicMattnessLives.
475 points, ended June 10, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~☻~ Society Sucks! So What!?! ~☻~ by Shassidy.
525 points, ended May 25, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This is a great piece! I like the rhyming in this, but there are a few lines where the flow seems a bit off. In any case, this has a really great message. "Dirt in my mouth, blood in my eyes, / To struggle and die behind enemy lines." - those lines remind me of Prince Caspian, I just went to see that and I guess because I have something to relate it to, those are my favorite lines. I think it would have worked better without the "end" at the end, but it's still a great piece. The title is creative and works well to reflect the piece, so great job with that. Great job and good luck in the contest!
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thanks for entering, first of all. you've done an amazing job with this piece. i love it. the soldiers are fighting for our freedom, when they actually fight for the pain within america's borders to continue. at least that's what i got from the poem. thanks. i especially enjoyed that this was NOT a pre-write (even though i do that a lot). It just says that you had inspiration at the best of times. best of luck and good write!
~MRH~ -
A good poem Dorick, with a strong message. I like it, despite the aberations of meter such as in line 12, so generally i think the piece could benefit from a carefull editing of line length.
thanks for the read.
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