And with such spring in every step as never once has been,
He quickly jumped from stone to stone across the raging stream.
Then off beyond the sight of us, and through the lofty trees,
A fierce attack on nature's bounds, a swift and skillful breeze.
A Malice throbbed within his veins, both terrible and pure,
His eyes irate with acrid hate, revenge the only cure.
He lost his loves in death at dawn and won't be seen to rest
Untill the horde repent with blood for how they all transgressed.
His feet aflame, alight with speed not wholly of this earth,
Such strength within his hand and heart, a measure of his worth.
His power stemmed from flesh not his, but spirits long ere dead,
Their gift to him and gift to us that anyone should dread.
His quarry seen beyond the hill, yet swift and strong and bold,
He chased with haste and swiftness more than any wind of old.
With blades aloft in deathly style he sprang upon the foe,
Within their midst with flame and fist he set their veins aglow.
Amongst the fray with blood and death he did himself surround,
His blade a sight of fearful fright for all of those around,
A single strike to men who stood with spear and shield abroad,
Was all it took, to bring afoot their death within the horde.
Pointless, needless, swift, unheeded, fast and fateful death
Devoid of needed, unimpeded, key and crucial breath.
A raging bull in clouds of blood from throats he swiftly slashed,
He cried with might to flames ignite as through the shields he crashed.
With soul on fire his spirits burned and strength he did behold
To send to hell each one who fell as legend did unfold.
Bloodied, fallen, drenched in death and spread upon the ground
The bodies grew for none withdrew and hence his blade they found,
A wounded army, spilt with hate and anger from their crime
The slaughtered life of child and wife, the devil's own design.
Their screaming echoed off and out, beyond the valley walls,
While none but we, who stood to see were there to hear the calls.
In silent witness to a storm, there we stood to see,
The violence, barbarity and fury of his spree.
Spiralling with flooded light of sunshine off the blade,
The final drop of blood did fall, and tumble to the glade.
Standing still, his feet asunder, drowned in sweat and tears,
He wept a silent plea of guilt, the last of all his years.
Author notes
This poem is written in iambic septameter,
(de dum) x 7
with a trochaic interlude.
A contest entry
- Please, I want your best! by Cat10.
850 points, ended May 3, 2008, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write me something Dark by Sock.
450 points, ended May 4, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Audition Round by Blooming Poet.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme and Flow part 4 Fantasy - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ended June 26, 2008, 29 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical comments welcome
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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too many strange inversions to accommodate your rhyme scheme. i'd also stray from an overuse of adjectives. slant rhymes might also be a good idea at some point; seems as if too many are too heavy...and i realize that you're going for heroic couplets here (despite the arrangement as quatrains for most of the poem), but the ringing last lines could still be muffled a bit...even if that means tossing a slant rhyme in sparingly.
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Sint
You might think that there a great number, or at least, too many inversions in this piece but I’ve found them to be a very valid way of enhancing rhyme and metre. There are three that I know of in this poem, not a great number considering its length and can’t see any reason to change them.
And yes, I understand that this piece is full on, with lots of heavy rhymes, constant alliteration, a fast flow and an interlude which has even more of each of these. But that’s what I wanted. That is the triumph of this piece in my mind. The slant rhymes you mentioned, by which I think you are referring to half rhymes or partial rhymes, are not the style I like to work in. I have used them, not here, but in other pieces and I usually find the result to be frustrating and rather dissatisfying. It’s just my personal taste but I really enjoy the whole sound of full end-rhymes as well as the richness of in-rhymes and repetitious wording.
Lastly to the couplets. I know this is written in couplets, and I know I have laid it out in quatrains, but again, I think that’s perfectly acceptable because there is a natural sense within most minds to work in powers of 2, and so there is a rhythm to quatrains that can’t exists in two couplets. As there is a pattern to writing with octets that cannot be achieved with two quatrains. Indeed I could have put it together in octets but I’m afraid there is a small imperfection in that I have 9 quatrains and a couplet, not 8. The quatrains also allow for a sight change of pattern or of content without disturbing the poem as you read. Its just a slight break in the readers mind that I feel comes too often if it is every two lines and too infrequently if it is every 8.
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The beginning seemed kind of abrupt, like opening a book and jumping in to the story in the middle.
Typo on line 4: "skillful".
Overall, really very nice. I can see everything happening as if I was standing there, or taking part in the scene myself. It's very vivid -
excellent
His feet aflame, alight with speed not wholly of this earth,
Such strength within his hand and heart, a measure of his worth.
His power stemmed from flesh not his, but spirits long ere dead,
Their gift to him and gift to us that anyone should dread.
His quarry seen beyond the hill, yet swift and strong and bold,
He chased with haste and swiftness more than any wind of old.
With blades aloft in deathly style he sprang upon the foe,
Within their midst with flame and fist he set their veins aglow.
you did notw aste any ime in coming to point..you did that beautifully.thanks for sharing.loved the above words.
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Great.
Very nicely done, this poem was the perfect length in my opinion and just as nevadapoet said it had great flow and imagery. Love the battle scenes.
Tal.
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Excellent
Nery nicely doen...greaty flow and imagery. A little long for my tastes, but none the less a great piece.
Nevadapoet -
reminds me of whitman or Longfellow. A good thig; two of my favorites. The rhyme and flow are great and you tell a wonderful story at the same time.
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Excellent
A very fine write indeed; imagery, rythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this poem with us. Again, well done. -
I know Jeff has congratulated you on my behalf, but I will just day 'Well Done', it was a great poem to read...Sue
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A rhyming tumble of a fantasy, flow terrific like the well placed interlude enough blood and guts or any typical fantasy fan. Good stuff!
Sue and I thank-you for another great entry and we hope to keep seeing you though the later rounds.
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Line 1 stanza 2, veins, line 3 won't, line 4 until.
Uneven rhythm in a very dark tale.
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Good job, but ...
I would like to know who "he" is, who "we" are, and what the situation is which caused this. Is this part of a series of poems? If not, it should be.
The writing here is very well done, although there are a few minor grammatical things such as "natures" in line 4 (nature's). All in all, it's a very good job.
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oooh.. i love the power, the prancing, the swiftness of the kill, the attack, attacked and attacker.. It brings to my mind greek myths for some reason, maybe the way you told us this tale. your words catch the reader and makes the read exciting.
it amazes me sometimes how people can stick to iambic meters so much with ease without falling apart.
yay for you!
i loved the way the interlude sounded.
congrats on the HM.
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Wow...I really like this. I like the image it creates, the imagery the words give. Keep writing things like this.
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I enjoyed reading this poem to no end; the rhyme scheme and iambic pentameter was incredible, and it had a meter and flow that drenches the sense in honeyed words of your piece. Also, it makes one susceptible to the jagged edges of the theme and story of your poem, each one ripping deep, but never huurting. You can feel the emotions of your unnamed character, and you can feel the internal turmoil of this archaic human. the only negative thing I have to say is that, in the 4th line, you spelled skillful with only one 'l'; it may improve it a little bit from a critical point of view, but it doesn't add or take anything away from the theme. good job, and I hope to read more from you ^_^
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Wow. The flow of this poem astounded me because, it is very rare when you find something consistent like this. And the rhyme scheme was very welld one, the rhyming didn't seem forced, which is quite a feat for such a lengthy write. Great job and the best of luck.
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You must've spent a lot of attention here, because I didn't find anything to criticize in relation to the rhyming and rhytmn.
What you really show is your dynamic for finding a way to make the words fit into any phrase, and i assume you have a very detailed imagination to come up with so many of the small bits and pieces tethered into the scenery of your poem.
Sometimes it's hard to appreciate poems with a plotline, I think sadly, that this is no exception, what we get here is a glimpse of your skill and knowledge for the words, however, we're forced to imagine ourselves how the swordsman might feel or what his motives of revenge come from. You only provide the action of his situation.
Don't take it personally though, I'm not dissin' your writing, it just seems like "Revenge" is an action fragment of something perhaps we haven't read yet?
Great job! -
excellent use of rhyme, rythmn and meter to bring this piece alive. The imagery is vivid and the tale, fast paced and full of movement thanks to the alliteration and internal rhyming. A great job, I really enjoyed this
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line 10... you forgot the 'e' in haste
'Pointless, needless, swift, unheeded, fast and fateful death
Devoid of needed, unimpeded key and crucial breath'
excellent lines
very smooth rhyme
this line 'His blades a cocked in deathly style' was confusing to me '
solid write with the perfect last line
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wow
this is an amazing poem from start to finish. it tells a wonderful story has the imagry is astounding
His quarry seen o'er the hill, yet swift and strong and bold,
he chased with haste and swiftness more than any wind of old.
that has to be my favorite part of the entire poem the flow and rhyme in this section is as good as i could ever expect it to be in any poem
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