Summer hot cement singed
chequered legs split like
Sunday afternoon shadows
rough on turning necks that
she touched with searing
sparkle cornering her eye,
bumps swaying sighs whom
curved the curb in bee lines’
bird sight, pursing a glint —
tapped, tapping beige
pumps as hearts beat lighter
heads and heavier buckles.
Left for the city mens' blue
plague were amber glasses
watching in tilt as she coyly
stepped last to the twist —
those moving carriages so
charming whisking this floral
white bombshell a way.
(Oh, to capture such hips for
some day’s mothers’ day).
A contest entry
- Pre writes galore! by Lady Michaella.
850 points, ended July 16, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fight for the Gold: Prewrites Unlimited #1 by amaranthine lover.
27500 points, ended August 28, 185 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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20.9 / 25
Quite an interesting piece. I love your sense of imagery here, it reads through rather well. -
I had to read this a couple of times to figure it out. That's really sad that I couldn't
her before she vanished on that tram. 
I really must be getting old. 
Thank you so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest... Scott
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Yes, this is lyrical like a song. I can smell the hot sidewalks, see the heatwaves and the jostle of faceless people closed within their thoughts. Good read. Is 'a way' supposed to be 'away'? Just wondering
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When I wrote it I thought "oh how clever, I'll say [a way] as in [a train/tram fare]". But even I stop on that when I read it now - so yeah, maybe I'll just change it.
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cool, that was like a song form circa survive whom I happen to be listening to when i read this, sounds like some great song lyrics..
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That's a great read! I loved the rhythm and flow of this. Every part just rolls and builds and the imagery is fun. I really enjoyed this!
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Thanks for entering! I really enjoyed this poem. As I have just commented on another entry, the flow is disrupted.. Try and keep them all 4 lines or however many you want the repeated number to be. Good luck!
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Stock standard flow probably wouldn't sit with the twist of the poem. They're pretty deliberate breaks.
But thanks for the feedback, not to mention the hm.
=> Jess
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this stopped my heart from breaking into tiny pieces, go figure
i loved this, really. well done.
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Ever read Only Revolutions by Mark Z Danielewski? Because the whole book is written in this style. Really thick images that are sometimes hard to follow, but still interesting to read. You should read it, if you haven't already.
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I haven't, but will keep my eye out for a copy.
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Very nice diction play with alliteration as an extra treat. Nice to see some wordsmithing. I'm usually not a big fan of faux-sentences and this sort of deliberately confusing linebreaking, but I think this poem does try to make it work. A little dense imo, and difficult to follow overall meaning (reader gets a psychic blast of images) but still nicely done. I'm glad I had a chance to read this.
Good luck in the contest.
Cheers
Nocturn -
Certain things come together real well, and certain things you have to work at to put together in your work; but there is no doubt her ass is put together well.
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