Tender, like the night-
its cape holding only
just so much light,
and while I thought
it was you,
(only you)
whose heart I'd won,
a spark.. flashes
but its flicker embered
incomplete~
..my heart undone."
Author notes
Remembering the first time of rejection. Its masquerade and truth that made me think about who I was, and who I needed to be.
Written December 17th, 2003
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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heart undone...
You were a very good poet even at an early age! Some of the most beautiful songs and poems have been inspired by the pain of unrequited love...
A pleasure to read poet!
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i can relate! i love this poem...and ur username!
~Rhea -
excellent
this is beautiful i can defintly relate, you are so talented even from such a young age! xxx -
Well as this is coming from a 16 year old who has been in this situation recently....I relate. And I love the poem....it's beautfifully written and right to the point...great!
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Well spoken
Beautiful. All teenagers go thru heartbreak one way or another over and over again. It does get better doesn't it.Wonderful to the point. Understandably awesome -
WOW! i loved this poem....succint and beautiful....you really expressed that horrible feeling of rejection well....it hurts real bad,especially the first one!
this work shows pure emotion and you succeeded in saying all that you wanted in so few words!
really well done! great job
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Amazing... yet many of us do not have the wisdom to be positive after rejection. Instead of trying to find out who we are, and who we are meant to be, we get lost in puzzles of questions. What is lacking in me? Where did I go wrong?
Your words are used scarcely, with each one conveying much more than it seems to indicate. I am impressed to see that you had such a vision even at a young age!
Love and regards,
Sau. -
This made me really sad. Rejected hurts. I've gone through it many times and it hurts. I'm glad I read this, it was beautiful!
Always and Forever,
~Kendal -
it is very interesting to read a write by someone when they were younger, but it is telling as well: you were a good writer back then too. very nice job.
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So simple but delivers such an amount of meaning..Beautiful.
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I loved this, because its like I clould feel what you were feeling at the moment.
~Kyndale~
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wow that was really good. keep up the good work. read my stuff.~pink diver~
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Short, sweet and to the point.....ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!! :-)
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way awesome! i like the loaded words and the dense atmosphere. this shows pure emotion and says all that needs to be said with out being too wordy. good job!
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I love the way this poem sounds when you say it aloud. It's short but good!
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This poem is tender and sweet. Through its sadness we can see the beauty of a soul. I hope you get to be what you need and want to.
Lovely!
Mari
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i liked it, it really expressed the emotion and the flow really helped it along the way. great job!
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my heart undone.....hhmmmm i like the line...congratulation...
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Ah, only the sweetest of the blues turn out to be this good... You did a really nice job!
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I liked the broken up feel of this piece, I think it shows how growing up and experiencing love as a teenager is a confusing time and sometimes we all do things that don't particularly make sense but we must accpect that they happened and move on from them.
Great poem.
Elizabeth
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it is when we look in the mirror and know who we really are,
that the heart mends.
excellent piece Diane
and yes I do understand....
Tamara -
This write has the quality of a sharp knife in its epigrammatic span. Quick & to the bone, leaving a sense of finality, yet a distant hope of faith remains. Peace & Love. ET
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This was awesome, so very well done, shame it's so sad though, hope your heart get's mended real soon :-) ty for sharing
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I absolutely loved the flow in this poem. It was beautiful! It
contained such a mood and atmosphere... I really enjoyed this
Jen
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Very pretty. I like. It was sweet, you kept it simple, and you knew the right words to paly on. Good work.
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Yes. Reads better. Smoothed out the edges to some of the puzzle pieces making for a better fit.
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Thank you. I did /some changing/. MY first thought was that it was one inspired and written cold, which every once in awhile works better. Like being shocked and aimless, as I was, could have been its obscure strength. Know what I mean? In this case, structure had to be second art. (Can't paint too heavily over a filled nest..lol.)
Anyway, other than not leaving out the (only you)which purposely emphasizes the repressed/obsessed side of being faithful to someone who rejected, and (just), which has its place in my head until further notice , I made the recommended changes. Not sure if it's how you saw it. Let me know if the aesthetics are better.
Bless you ..and thanks again.
Edited on Dec 18, 12:20 because ''. -
I really enjoyed this poem. You describe a situation we've all encountered (or at least most of us...lol) before very nicely. I think I liked your closing to the poem the best:
" a spark flashes
and its flicker viewed
incomplete~
my heart undone"
Excellent work! -
Better on the background. Something to consider: the word "just" (acting as a modifier?) slightly dilutes the image as opposed to leaving it out altogether. . .since this is a poem that is direct, simple wording works better (usually).
The parenthetical phrase (only you) doesn't read very well in my mind. . .could be better if one of the "you"s goes.
The colonphon after "tender" could be replaced with a simple comma
"Tender, like the night, its cape. . ."
The last stanza struggles a bit- doesn't quite fit the puzzle.
"A spark flashes" would look more symetrical if you added four blank spaces at the bottom, like you do at the top. Sort of isolates the phrase and brings attention to the premise of the poem, before you come out with the resolution. -
oh.. this is nice!
At first glance it seems simple.. but it holds so much depth. I love pieces like this..
a spark flashes
and its flicker viewed
incomplete~
my heart undone."
...mmm I could sit on these lines for a good while
~Scarlet -
What a perfect poem! The word "undone" is extremely evocative and emotionally significant ... You are a lovely poetess, dearest Dianne.
Love.
Myra
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Why the "blah" background? You're a preferred member. . .
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Very sensitive. . .but I wouldn't expect anything less. Nice.
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You're very welcome.
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Why, thank you. I was remembering all those many snowy years ago when reading a young person's heart trauma. I'm glad I pushed the right button. Perhaps that means a healing and moving on
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I can relate to this in every way. Each word you stitched onto this page is the exact same word that my heart cries out.
"My heart undone" is a great BANG for the ending. It blew me away.
Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this extremely.
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