Colors of my pink-white dreams fade away
Night’s darkness bleeds into my world
Monochrome reality dissolves the rest of my sleep
And thoughts begin to slither, slip treacherously,
Cunningly, vehemently into my mind
My imagination unfaithfully betrays me,
Fighting and soon defeating my self control,
Easily devouring my ability to feel safe
I loose my way inside my mind's eye.
Pictures of your death are just too vivid
Too detailed and too possible
I feel cold tears suddenly pour incessantly
Leaving sticky lines on my burning cheeks
I hate to see this but can’t stop,
It terrifies me more when, in pain, I wonder
If I am seeing this knowingly, willingly
I seek safety from these thoughts, convincing myself
That that can’t be the truth because
That would be against self preservation
For every second of it eats my heart away
Every detail slaps me harder and harder
To every image I hear a thousand screams inside my head
Screams that are stuck in my throat in a clot
Every possibility of you harmed kills me, over and over again
I begin to desire my death because in this darkness I start believing
That it all happened or that it will
What if I am jinxing our lives and happiness
By imagining it so thoroughly, so easily
And just when I begin to hate myself for that
Dreams and sleep begin to overtake my panic
I quiet down struggling to breathe against my fear,
To prove myself still breathing, still alive, still safe
For that will prove you safe in your own bed
Because I still believe I wouldn’t breathe if you didn’t
My eyes heavy, and I struggle to keep them open
I try so hard to resist my sleep
Vainly I try to get up, to step out of my own hell
Which might be a mere undertaking of what I am about to drown in
I know so well, with knowledge I never had, that if I sleep
I will dream of death worse, more terrifying then I just imagined
Perhaps if I am lucky, of mine, if not, then of yours, all over again
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