What if you were feeling
Like you had no where to go
Still looking for someone to show
Just a little affection
Maybe it'll be just fine
It's just an echo
Would you tell me
If you were
Falling slowly
Out of range
Would you tell me
This is all you need...
You wouldn't change a thing
And what if you
Were feeling like
This is all you
Get, better do as you're
Told, better to bow down
Than lose what you
Always held onto
Falling slowly
You fall through me
I cannot reach
Would you tell me
You wouldn't change a thing?
A contest entry
- Open up! by Li snuffles.
500 points, ended May 13, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Songwriting by Apocalyptic Scarves.
600 points, ended August 22, 2008, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Great write
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Bandits United!
This reads like lyrics with emotion of meloncholy expressed well...I like the title, it actually made me think of a dream before reading your poem, then I found a nice twist when I did read
I feel the flow is a little awkward in parts, but tightening up of a few words would correct it...overall I found it engaging and a delight to read, congratulations on the gold
Love and smiles
~Lilac
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BANDITS UNITED!
First off, congrats on your gold! It's always gratifying to have one's work held in such high regard.
This is a piece that speaks loudly of a conflict and of a begging to be understood. You've done well communicating those things. One can only hope the person to whom this is directed hears the message. There a couple of places in the 3rd stanza where the line breaks throw off the flow of the wording, but overall you've done well with it.
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Bandits United
Better late than never I guess. I eally liked your poem and I liked the first verse of this poem. It spoke tp me he most. I am still looking for someone to show affection. Congrats on your gold trophy on this piece. -
Bandits United!!!
A great choice of wording for the title....You set up the atmosphere well in the first stanzakeeping the flow and theme.Like to think there is someone there to catch that falling hand. Congratulations on the Gold.Very nicely penned.
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BANDITS UNITED
Great write and it gives the feeling of fallings.
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BANDITS UNITED!
This is a thoughtful poem, tender and caring. Reaching out to others may not always be the easiest thing to do but it is worth the effort, if only for piece of mind knowing you've done every thing that you could. Very nice!
You have been Spotlighted by your Bandit family because WE CARE!
Dennis
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Bandits United!
This is even better the second time around
I still love the last two lines, and I really enjoy the feel of this song - I think it was the first time you rerally stepped out of your little niche and went for something different (in my eyes ) and I think it worked out really well!
Keep writing
Polly -
BANDITS UNITED
I liked the first stanza best, I think we have all been there at some time or other. well done.
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BANDITS UNITED!
A very deep write, that sends the meotions spiraling doward with each stanza. Congrats on the gold, this is an excellent poem.
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Bandits United!
Very emotional. That's the first thing I noticed. The second was how well the rhyming was done. Enjoy your day in the spot light. This really was amazing.
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Bandits United!!!
a great emotional write that draws the reader in and captivates them with your words. thank you for sharing your talent. keep writing! God bless you always
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Bandits United!
Nice poem, good rhymes! Very nice wording and interesting poetic form! Is this a song? I think it could easily made into a song. Very good work!
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Bandits United!
Wonderful! You won the Gold 'cause you penned the perfect response to the requirements of the contest & did it so well. Being a stickler for grammar [more so since I've been at AP] I'd have included more punctuation for clarity, but emotionally this is exceptional & I see you're 20 & that shows me your mental & spiritual depth is beyond your years! Bravo dear poet!
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BANDITS UNITED!!!!!!!!!!!
Well done, I really enoyed this poem. I found it an accurate and emotional description of some of the hardest times in my life. Well done.
Darkness Heal You.
DW
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BANDITS UNITED
First congratulations on the Gold; I could fell the pouring out of your heart the deep feeling with in. Great emotion and great write over all. LISA
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BANDITS UNITED!
A poem that reaches out to the reader with a message that asks an important question. Lines falling down the page gracefully with affectionate charm. 
Smiling and hugging you!
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BANDITS UNITED This is your day in the spotlight - enjoy!
What a lovely gold winner you have penned here. Sentiments well expressed in these lines - good flow and leaves one questioning themselves as well. Easy to read and understand. Congratulations.
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BANDITS UNITED!
Reading this I felt as though I was listening to a soft yet strong whisper-y voice singing the words to me showing the imagery and emotions in their world rather than just reading the words
An amazing poem, well deserved of Gold
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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Songs are out of my scope.
But I can say I like the thought of equating falling to relationship issues. 'Falling away' from each other is the leaving in a relationship.
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I love the last two lines I can totally see how this is worthy of the gold trophy (congratulations!) - I really like the short lines and the presentation of this poem, the way you write is improving so much not that you weren't good to begin with
Keep writing
Polly
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i thought of that film as good as it gets with jack nicholson with that line - this is all you get, aye, a good poem.
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Ohh, i just read your reply to echos lament, its lyrics then. thanks, -eleno
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I liked the metaphorism of the story and the description you penned up here. its really interesting to read as comparison. and, i think its more of lyrics? I think so because of the random rhyme, and the word spacing especially in stanza # 3. This is really good. -thanks for sharing. -eleno
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I loved this piece<3
it was truely eautiful and really depicted someone falling from your reach
i felt so much emotion reading this, which is what i wanted and i could feel how much you trualy cared
good luck in my contest...xxx -
hmmm, i dont like the few parts that rhyme, but thats just me, lol.
besides that i really like what you did here! i like your metaphor of falling slowly; i think that it really captured the emotions that you wanted to portray in this poem. great write and good luck in the contest!
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To be honest it was originally written as a song (hence the rhyming). Thanks for the comment
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