I have a perfect seat for this movie.
Until you, and your 'friends', decide
to sit down in front of me.
All at once, the phones flip out,
and you and yours begin to share
feature upon feature upon yes, yet
again, another stupid
motherfucking feature.
"The White Stripes", "Mozart"
And even my dearest "Bach".
My gag reflex is working overtime. While a
nasty little itch has begun at my knuckles
and ended at some tense red lining
nerve even further than my last.
I begin to slowly out loud chant:
A vulva holster's next,
and I know it shall perplex
you, and your bangs, above it.
With a slanted cut, and
a white chick's flat butt.
You must think I could give a shit?
Soon, there'll be bacon scented covers,
And some that shoot out rubbers
A phone that calls your name
Even when you're lame, and out with the wrong lover.
I've seen the future, and there are phones
That cook spinach. They can grow your -
- Tits bigger, and make you a wigger
Others that'll teleport you to Greenwich village.
I saw a phone that was queer.
And one tipped on beer.
I even saw one that voted.
Phones, so fucking small
They magically made you seem tall
And by chance, if it might fall?
It would call out your name
While you were demoted.
I heard a noise bounce below my seat by my feet.
The Jap behind me, at "Kill Bill" has drop-p-ed his!
We both stare at one another intensely for a moment.
I ask eagerly, "May I pick it up, and give it to you?"
He says, "Oh please could you?", and I do, but then
I throw out, for a kick "You should think about
getting a vulva holster?"
He holds his phone close to his heart for
a minute, pondering, I assume something magnificent
to retort with -- But, in all muting irony he states,
"What's a vulva?" [uncomfortable pause] With a smile
on my face... I win with "The capitol of Uranus."
Author notes
Written December 17th, 2003
In a list
A contest entry
- Tell me a funny tale in poetry- How funny are you? by Iohagh.
300 points, ended May 1, 2006, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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I
er
may say
vulva too
or labia
which men see as lips
and what about orgasm
that act which makes men all snore.
A Fibonacci and welcome to contest. Smoosh Janet.
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hilarious!
LMAO this was brilliant! and the picture made it all the better. I especially loved the last line haha write on! you made my day! -
it slays me
hmmmmm... very interesting poem... I laughed at the end and at points during the poem as well. good job with this. good luck in my contest, and thank you for entering. -
this was more funny than anything, and was quite the enjoyable read, slightly weird title, but otherwize it was truly excellent stuff, good luck in my contest. all the best -david-
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lol, this is really funny,,,, top poem, there is alot to take in! my mine brain is cooked,,, (pause for thought),,, i really respect poets who say what their thinking, and you did this very well and with humor, thanks for the write, x
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You've done a great job on this, well done, i like it alot. A really powerful write and i enjoyed reading it. thanks for entering.
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just passing by and reading some of your stuff again
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LOL this was great! you had me giggling and chuckling the whole way through- i love the in-your-face-style you use and your ending was quite smashing. LOVELY.
have a good one -
I am still thinking about this poem. I need some time to think about it, before I write a decent critique/comment. I did love the image of a vulva holster. I think, my vulva is a smoking gun once in a while.
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Could you please not smoke your nut hair and come idiot out on my poetry, thanks.
-
Good
So hey there, aren't you there in poemranker.com?? Remember, we had a nice little fight out there?? I hate cell phones in theatres too....this time i like your poem..much better than your previous villanelle. The 2nd line should be DECIDED. (One extra D) -
No, my mistake..No D's..Sorry!
-
Good
So hey there, aren't you there in poemranker.com?? Remember, we had a nice little fight out there?? I hate cell phones in theatres too....this time i like your poem..much better than your previous villanelle. The 2nd line should be DECIDED. (One extra D) -
p.s.
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i love it when you teeter and your motives go all vapid....
Edited on Dec 23, 8:26 because 'mind your own business'. -
Hi, plinky... I just got home from an audition for Chicken Of The Sea Tuna, so bear with my teetering and vapid motives.
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i forgot to say you have to put in the authors notes what you are angry about so that should be a long list for you...nothing and everything xxx
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Ohhh my God! I am lmfao! Boy did you hit the nail on the head with this one..... every word and phrase. Awwww you ruined any chance I ever had at a trophy!
Just kidding, I never had a chance anyway 
Good luck and an awesome write as always.
-
Mobile phones in movies... a very small problem compared to the many problems in the world. This was amusing at times. I hope it isn't your number one disgust.
Phones that cook spinach or incorporate teleportation could be rather useful.
Thanks for entering -
This is sublime
I hope you are enjoying the current online battle between our alters in another time when we are enemies
Damit don't you know we've bedded each other's muses?
Added in retrospect from April 2001 -
haha
oh how i despise the cell phone ring competitions often held in obnoxiously loud restaurants and the occasional fast food joint. my cell is nearly a decade old and has about 3 rings on it, all of which sound remarkably similar..
dig it. -
Brilliant
ROTFLMFAO. Oh this is too funny. I feel the same way about cellphones. Now I have a date tomorrow to see Harry Potter with my husband and if there's one phone that goes off, I'll know what to say. Thanks for the excellent entertainment. I have a big ol' grin across my sad little face.
~Bezoar -
I don't need to be touched to know that I enjoyed something, hmm, well, you know what I mean
sometimes I reckon you need to just enjoy a poem and not look for a deeper meaning. And if it's well written and entertaining, as this is, then it's good in my opinion.
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Wow, the legendary Horus8 enters one of my contests...now I feel special. (No, that's not sarcasm, just so you know. lol) Well, I can see you hate cell phones in movies...
Just a note - you're missing something green in your author's comment and don't forget to enter an original before the contest closes tonight! Thanks for entering and good luck!
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nice
Ok, it was good, but I have no idea at all what is was about. aparently it was about cell phones. it's psyco, but psyco is good. -
..... wow... ummm... ok. I hate cell phones too but not enough to write about it, you must loath those stupid mother f**ing things? Anyway, I found this a very strange but good poem. I liked it ^_^.
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lol, nice write. and thanks for changing it from adult material so i could actually read it
you remind me of a guy i know, actually. how strange. anyway, well done.
Strength and Peace
~Tal~ -
So-so
Forgive me, but you're a bit "touched" in my opinion. A few buttons missing from your remote control if you will. Granted, nobody likes cell phones in movies, but I guess I'm not the type to write poems about it, nor am I one to enjoy poems about it either. It was mildly entertaining, but I would hope and ask that you might put some of your poetic talent to a real subject. You know, something that will touch someone's soul. Unfortunately for you, cell phones in movies and absurdly vulgar references are not the way to achieve that. -
Slap em' all if you ask me I got into a fight at the movies because of a rude interuption.
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This is a funny scene. I hate cell phones in movies. They ought to be banned. I like the explaination in the ending sentence, "capital" of of Uranus is hilaarious. Keep sharing.
The title is very confusing, although I can see the sattire in this one as well.
Renee -
LOL... hilarious!
Very original, i'm thoroughly enjoying your posts. You're a welcome addition here, i'm greatly impressed
~ Wendy
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