bitterness is black
like resin from a pipe,
it stains what is touched,
sticks to every word
& darkens eyesight
inhalation brings on
demonic dreams
of being drawn
down oily whirlpools,
of initials finger-carved
in human trunks
then sucking
on foreign skin
w.e.d.g.e.d.
beneath fingernails -
almost, almost
orgasmic in the wet
by daylight a million zombies
exchange ceramic smiles -
devious desires disguised
in perfumed pleasantries
as for me,
I don’t remember dreams
but I do wake
with a finger
in my mouth
In a list
A contest entry
- Prewrite 1000 pt. Checklist by Ryno.
1000 points, ended June 25, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
please share your comments & critiques
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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opps...
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I like this to a point. The 1st & 3rd stanzas are brilliant and natural...even though the second stanza is filled with some striking imagery, it feels forced or contrived...my opinion. I would say ditch it, but then the the last 2 stanzas refer to it, so they would have to go or be rewritten. Even with that said this is one of the best pieces in the contest.
a million zombies with ceramic smiles..excellent image and metaphor. -
_Yes_ Creativity / Originality
_Yes_ Imagery
_Yes_ Metaphor
_Yes_ Emotion
_Yes_ Reaction
_Yes_ Relatability
_Yes_ Fluency
_Yes_ Powerful Beginning
_Yes_ Powerful Middle
_Yes_ Powerful Ending
_Yes_ Connecting Ideas
_Yes_ Interesting Idea Behind Piece and/or a Message Behind Piece
_Yes_ Interesting In General (Does Not Bore) -
I think Pretty Britty said it best with "Holy Schnickies"
I never EVER click on the featured (you know...too much pressure to comment, lol) But this title I couldnt resist....
AND DAMN! Glad I did...amazingly good. I am left with not much to say as the other 20 something comments pretty much cover it! Imagery, flow...yeah, pretty much all around...this kicks!
Fantastic. Dark poetry at its best.
Jamie
. Rewarded 8
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Excellente!
Your imagery was fantastic. I love the way it all connected and even your icon related. All-in-all a great write.
. Rewarded 4
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Black & Wet!
So much has been said already. I wonder if you understand when I say this piece felt really wet. I don't know if I fully understand it myself, but that's the overwhelming feeling I'm given, with the dark profoundly intermingled.
Oh, I must mention that it goes so very well with your AP LadyUnique image, the coffee cup and the dragging/tearing fingernails.
Well done!
Best wishes in the contest, and always...
Emmjay
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Good
I'm sincerely impressed
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Now this is dark poetry, I get tired of reading 'dark' stuff about vamps and cutting and death. Dark doesn't have to be so limited to those and I'm glad I got to taste this. I love the dig on people, being zombies and their fragile smiles (it vaguely reminds me of something I was trying to portray in an older work of mine, Sweet Tea in the Bone Garden - you did MUCH better) - also love the tie-in of the ending to the reference to the fingers earlier. Just super.
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very beautiful, the imagery is stunning and the overall flow of the piece is quite nice. i love the opening and closing, but i felt like the middle stayed strong as well. beautifully written
-cassidy
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awesome write
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thank you
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AMAZING WRITE! What a stellar poem! The last stanza was the greatest part of it! I looooove how you ended it, it was PERFECT!!!!! EXCELLENT job!
+ Jackie -
i wish
i wish i was able to give you a more helpful critique, but this was an amazing write and has left me somewhat speechless. i'm going to go take a hit and think on it some more. i loved this.
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Holy shnickies
WOW!
This write was amazing.
I read it four times in a row, just to let it fully sink in. The imagery is amazing and the ending just makes the poem completely! You are a fantastic writer!
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This is very well written. Even addressing problems in society. Your description was very good. Great write, i enjoyed every phrase, sure it was dark, but it is also something unavoidable, and needs to be spoken of.
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Humm..wonderrful immagery and nice description of the muse..well done...
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this is really dark but it is still superb
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super!
I agree with everyone so far. This is an awesome dark poem. Very well done. Love it!
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Excellent
Oooh - this is good - gives the reader chills! Loved the lines "almost, almost orgasmic in the wet" and "devious desires disguised in perfumed pleasantries". Well done in the dark. Wish I could pull it off myself.
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Very nice.. I have missed dark poetry, good dark poetry to be exact!
This is very dark and I LOVE THE IMAGERY YOU HAVE USED HERE!!
Thank you so much for entering this in my contest and hope you enter again.. just let me know which are your entries!
Keep on writing,
Nooni
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Holy CRAP this is my favorite poem I"ve ever read on ALLPOETRY!!
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I'm not sure if I get the full meaning of this poem. so many twists and turns through the lines. I thought it was great! So many ways to interpret this. Good luck in the contest.
. Rewarded 4
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Those last 5 lines are stunning. Even more than that.
I've never really seen too much writes that capture a dark atmosphere, together with some sensuality that good.
Your title made me think about that dream I unfortunately did remember last week... I had an affair with the regional manager of my work
and eeewwww, my goodness - he's ugly (even after he did plastic surgery on his face) and the wordst part even is that he smells out of his mouth that much, a sewer isn't nothing compared with it 
Anyway, that was rather a nightmare and so out of context...
You poem, Madame, is stellar
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The last lines wrap this poem up perfectly and stand almost as a contradiction to the previous stanza and the build-up to the latter part of the poem. The opening line immediately catches the attention too... and not just because of the alliteration. Nice work here....definately black with a subtle touch of sensuality too!
~ Nicolette
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great poem...i like the ending...good luck in the contest!
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Whoa what a winner...so great.
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