Black sand sliding
through cold
pale fingers,
thin and frail
time-worn
hands.
Scrap together
what you will,
yank crude walls
from the virgin ground
to protect you
from the tides -
hide in the shadow
of your three-inch,
slip-sliding palidade
of broken shells and
obsideous crumbs.
The riptide washes
you away;
for there's no protection in
Black sand sliding
through cold,
pale fingers.
Thin and frail
time-worn
hands
Can't raise a castle
from the sands.
Author notes
I'm really proud of this. It has no extraneous lines, and it's not meant to be pretty alone - it has meaning.
The poem has a holistic message, and every word is carefully chosen to reflect it. I wonder if you can understand what that message is?
If you can, please leave a little criticism so I can make it better.
A contest entry
- Allpoetry Survivor! by broken-colours.
600 points, ended May 2, 2008, 49 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Round 1: CRANE JOUSTING!!!!!! by Great Cthulhu.
1000 points, ended May 3, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Interesting
This is an impressive write, powerful imagery. "slip-sliding palidade" - did you perhaps mean 'palisade'? I do wish you had read the description of the contest closer, I was looking for apocalyptic writes; this is not. Keep your pen to the page and thanks for entering!
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Are you quite sure it's not apocalyptic? Oh dear... maybe it was TOO symbolic.
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When I work with symbolism in my poems, I like to make sure that the symbols being used are familiar with my target audience and not too esoteric, unless that particular poem is merely a 'journal entry' for my eyes and enjoyment only. All in all, your verse is wonderfully written, I applaud your literary effort! Once again, thank you.
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