Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Aftermath

Granules of a former feast
that signal comings of old beasts
forgotten
draining the sense out of senses
'til all that remains
might be cleansed
but is senseless
that even your toffee
a texture of cotton
or flavours quite rotten
obtains

Author notes

I don't really like giving away what issues my poetry deals with (in my view) on beforehand, but am willing to discuss should anyone want to.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • JWGoethe
    May 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A bit of a jumbled mess, though it does create some interesting images. "free verse is like playing tennis without the net"--Robert Frost said that. Aesthetically pleasing when read aloud (pleasing to the ear), but I don't find any real meaning in this.

  • Sestos
    May 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This opens very well with the first two lines. In the third and fourth, the rhythm seems to stumble a little; do you notice that the balance of the rhythm changes?

    Maybe consider carrying the "that" structure throughout the poem; then I mean, "that drain" rather than "draining". "Draining" is part of the balance-fault, along with "forgotten".

    Nice sounds overall

  • davidwright silver member
    May 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not a bad piece of work. Your best line which redeems the poem, from obscurity, is "that signal comings of old beasts forgotten. I enjoyed it nonetheless. Happy trails


  • Dorick
    May 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Unfortunately, if you hide all of the 'issues' in a poem, all you end up having are some word phrases and the estranged rhyming scheme of forgotten, cotton, and rotten.

    Wordplay is important to most of us, it's as though we have inner ears, ears in our brains that want to hear the strange accents and rhythmns we so often relate to poetry. At some point, we all read just to hear the beauty of a word. But words are used to communicate, and when I look up your poem to know what you're trying to communicate to me (and to anyone who reads it), all I find is that you're too careful, you purposefully avoid saying what's on your mind.

    Enjoying a secret of how you feel inside is something many of us can relate to (because you want someone to wonder how you feel), but something that can never be shared until your secrets are revealed.

    Until then, all I'm reading are sounds.

    • Peacegrove
      May 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      It is interesting to hear that you think so, and I will keep your words in mind.
      As for rhyming schemes, if you look at my poetry on here, I like to vary it and experiment a bit since I have not been writing poems for very long. In this case, I hope you are just naming forgotten, cotton, rotten (and aesthetically teasing 'toffee') as examples, or you have not looked at this poem carefully enough. If so, I don't blame you, some people look for one thing and others for something else. So be it.
      But I will remember what you said because every opinion is valuable.

1 - 7 of 7