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Smashed

Friends inch close,
Strangers wish to be,
Empowered,
Enjoyed,
So distant (soon to be).
How awkward,
How scared,
A shattering yelp,
A teardrop,
A smile,
Friends and strangers,
You cannot help.
Pathetic,
Wishing,
Wanting to be.
Loathing for something,
(Loathing for nothing),
Forgetting me.
Shrinking small,
(Once standing tall),
Hating,
Debating,
Was I even worth creating?
Piteous,
Demanding,
Pathetic is she,
How can I be higher
Than I see myself to be?
Coward,
Hopeful,
You no it's not meant to be,
Foolish fiend,
This cannot be me.
A chain of events,
Linked together in gold,
Oh harmonious agony,
I wish for the old.
Friends inch away,
Strangers disappear,
Droplet emotions,
I'm the only one still here.
And how can I expect
Beyond what I don't know,
Well renowned in the theater,
Today I'm a no-show.
So I'll back away,
To my corner so glum,
And try to forget light,
Because today there's no sun.

Author notes

I'm 14, please judge accordingly

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • ellipsist
    May 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am impressed - a lot of adults that I have had enter my contests do not spell correctly or use proper grammar and you have done both pretty well... this piece has a lot of potential - I would lose the parts in parentheses altogether and not use the word pathetic twice within the piece because that is a word that, when repeated, stands out... I would not end three lines with the phrase "to be" particularly the last two lines in which you do - as the first is phrased incorrectly - it could just end in "see myself" - to be is redundant and unnecessary and in the last line that you end this way it should be "you know" not "you no" - thanks for the entry - I would honestly like to see more of your work in the future...were it not for your author's notes, I would not have known you're only fourteen - your writing is that impressive...


    • timburtonbabe
      May 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      This was a very quick rough piece I wrote one night. After adding on a few more verses over the course of an hour or so, my dismay was not only quenched, but I had somehow written something of the slightest significance... here is a final copy of the poem above (http://allpoetry.com/poem/4179191)

      It means quite a bit to me that you find my poetry impressive. Thanks,
      ~Sam