Sometimes I think it would have been
easier for me to die
together with my parents than
to have been surendered by
them to survive alone
Sometimes it does not seem that they
spared me the hardest fate
since by sending me away
the burdened me and cast me out
and none sugessted I should stay
When we were branded there
was one number meant for me
that another had to bear
my perennial agony
is the brunt of my despair
Sometimes I feel I am a ghost
adrift without identity
what as a child I valued most
for ever has escaped from me
I have been cast out and lost.
A contest entry
- Life and Death - Options by Thoughts-of-Soloman.
1750 points, ended May 27, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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wow
deep
and i like it very much
good job -
This was a very sad and wonderful piece I am sorry you feel so lonely. Thank you for sharing this and keep your chin up it gets better so I am told
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This is a real emotional powerful write and hit hard. Nice write.
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This is so poignant, the feelings raw and open. A very well written and evocative write. I see the typos have been pointed out already so I won't go there. Structure and form are fine, lines work and although I don't normally choose rhyme, it seems to work well enough here. Thanks for sharing.
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This 'write' of yours expresses much sadness, about events in circumstances which I know nothing of. I hope that bringing this out has helped in some ways regarding how all this sits with you.
My own response to your 'write' as I read it here:
We have the freedom to investigate, by all manner of possibilities in our thoughts and imagination, our understanding of ourselves.
Most of us have to deal with some kind of victimhood at some time or another, some can be very difficult to reconcile, but I believe it becomes a significant part of our journey in 'progress' enabling us to become who we truly are.
'branded'... The greatest power in 'branding' is ultimately in our own hands and with time as a friend in which to do so, sometimes by breaking old habitual and hindering agreements with ourselves. It is for us to shape our own destinies, the best we can, from where and who we are.
Don't agree to any others 'branding' other than that which is from the very best of yourself, is what I'd say. Demand your own freedom of choice, even and especially from your own self.
You remember that which is 'valued', so you aren't really lost from this, even in the albeit sense of loss. For what it's worth, I believe it's healthy to remember such thoughts in a positive light, nurturing a resolve to find such qualities again wherever you might in new associations. Call what you already know is good back to you, this is a real action which some call prayer.
This is my response- take it or leave it.
Regarding the contest:
Spelling mistakes: surrendered and suggested don't help.
However the main thing, as I tried to explain is that this was an invitation for you to 'die to your own victimhood' and reappraise life itself in a new clean light.
I am disappointed that you don't seem to have attempted this here, even though you show the intelligence enough to have done so if you'd chosen to.
All the very best to you in your journey.
Sol
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thanks for entering our contest, i see you managed to get a piece togehter but you didn't actually look at the prompts correctly
but nonetheless, i thank you for your entry
many thanks
G.x
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So much funluvingrl,
Are you going to rise to the challenge?
You still have plenty of time.
Sol
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yah i know i have plenty of time but i think this poem is fine the way it is, besides i dont know what to add or take away from it. i guess im kinda stuck.
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'i guess im kinda stuck'.
... good, I'm glad you have come to this conclusion, because that is precisely what this invitation is all about. This is exactly why you need to go and read the contest details again, I sincerely believe that you can find the answer to this 'stuck' problem, by responding properly to it.
That will mean writing another poem, and why not? This one is already written and isn't the answer to your 'stuck-ness', so come on... 'un-stick'!
This poem can go somewhere else or even be featured, yes?
Then-
Simply 'die' then write, or 'be new' and write. That's it, good luck.
Sol
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Note for all partakers: additional indication has been posted on the contest page.
Please feel free to edit your poem, as no comments on judging will take place till the end of the contest.
Many thanks Sol and Chilly.
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it was ok. good job.
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But I'm afraid you need to heavily edit this, in fact start again please because you haven't read the prompts properly.
If you had, you would realise that you are already dead, not thinking it may have been easier if you had been.
Or, you have been given new life to start afresh with no despair nor even 'sometimes' to think about, because you are living 'NOW' and that is where your attention is.
Thank you for entering, please don't give up but scrap this and start again as far as this contest is concerned. Good luck, Sol
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Nice critique Sol ~
Be bold about what you want in your contest, and stick to your guns,
Bear ~ -
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Thanks Bear,
I figured it only fair to let them know now rather than later. Who knows, they may yet come up with the winning entry?!
I'll tell you what, I'm glad I made this contest anonymous, I figure it makes it much easier to say it as you see it, than it might be otherwise.
Mmm' at least I think so, you will know better about that...
What say you on that one, if you don't mind me asking? Sol
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Personally.........
I enjoy knowing who is in my contests, so that I might speak to them one-on-one, and in a personal manner, face-to-face....head-on ~
Knowing who is in my contests is the last thing I have to worry about, because I know I am a fair Judge at all times...no matter what ~
To speak to a Poet anonymously, is like speaking to someone you don't know.....and if you know who they are, then you can take your thought and suggestions up with them on a same level process, and you and that Poet will get to know how each other think and how you can relate to each other better, now....and in the future ~
.....but this is just me
Bear ~
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left align!!! thank you
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Sorry.
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