Yes, I left the house
that night to die,
my life to take,
Because I felt the pain...
The pain I caused
The pain I lived
It had overtaken me!
Now or never-fight or flight!
But cornered I could not fly.
Yes - I wanted to die,
To kill myself
Many, many, many times!
The confrontation earlier,
The screaming only intensified
my darkest desire
to take my life.
By knife, by gun-but not in the house;
If it is to be done, it will be outside.
So when I had the chance, I left the house
Heading for the field and pond
Beyond our property-
there I went to die.
But by the time I walked out there
The storm within me calmed.
I no longer felt compelled to end my life.
I stopped, and felt the rain fall gently
upon my head; and I breathed
a breath of air so crisp and clean-
It felt like drinking in a glass
of cool, fresh water-which I desperately
needed to revive my weary, tear-stained self.
In the rain I stayed for quite some time
Reasoning with myself and then just breathing,
breathing in the rain-scented air.
What stopped me from dying then
was not a vague hope in the distant future,
But the love I felt for my God.
To kill myself would betray
Him whom I loved most-and
Him to whom I owed all.
The One who gave me life and light,
and from Whom all good things come-
for Him I did not take my life that night,
Him I do truly love.
Author notes
This is as open as it gets. No more hiding.
From my own struggle with panic disorder, PTSD, anxiety disorder, and depression, all at once.
In a list
- Of Family and Myself • next in list
- Thoughts and Messages • next in list
- Trophy Winners • next in list
A contest entry
- God will not prevent the storm, but He will help you through it. by Kooks.
300 points, ended May 14, 2008, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be kind-your words and wording in comments make a real difference in a person's life.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
This is poignant and so honest. It sounds as if God's love for you, as felt in the fresh rain, saved you also.
-
WOW..
...T
This is extremely powerful and quite a testimony.
i can relate very deeply wiht this
and i'm sorry for the pain you had to go through.
amazing write,
kudos
-
this is a very hard hitting, strong poem...I lost my uncle to suicide a few years ago, and none of us will ever know exactly why he did it...thanks for entering
-
As I read this, again it hit me to the core. Best wishes and thank you for entering my contest.
-
amazing poem person.....so strong and great word usage! i loved it....this deserves a winner trophy
goodluck
-
Thank you for your entry. I have been in the same situation as you and felt that the turmoil and thoughts of suicude were delicately revealed.
Good luck in the contest -
wow.
this is an amazing poem. i really really like it.
great job =] -
a poem I can relate to in a personal way, thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest
-
I can so relate to your words. Many times I have felt the same as you and have not for the same reasons you do not. You are not alone, that is what you find out when you take a risk and put yourself out there. May you continue to find your strength in God.
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
