You
listen
while
kissing
my
essence
offering
love
and
support
knowing
I
am
just
wishing
he
were
more
like
You
Author notes
20 words
In a list
A contest entry
- Contest of the Shorts! by Shahrazad.
450 points, ended May 6, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is actually really powerful... it was down to earth and I loved that about it.
Actually the only part I really didn't like was the kissing my "soul" part. The rest was awesome but the word "soul" is jsut so intangible and kinda over used in this genre of poems (I find... it might jsut be me)... I think if you used a more tangible image like kissing my "lips" or even something more creative than that, I think it would add more. Because "soul" hits the reader over the head with the fact that the two people in the poem are exetremely close in more ways than just physical... "lips" or something like that implies the same thing without being as cliche. (Plus you confirm the mental intimacy through the last part "wishing he were more like you")
Thanks for the read! -
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I agree with you, I had another word in mind too, and thanks to your nudge, I changed it. Hope you enjoy the difference it makes.
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This is a beautiful poem full of emotion.
I love these words:
while
kissing
my
soul
Good luck in the contest!
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The one word lines really keep it flowing like a stream of consciousness. Neat way to stretch a 20 word poem out. They have a tendency to look so tiny. Good luck in the contest. >pixxie<
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great flow... i like how you wrote it out too... makes it stream down... thanks for sharing and i am sure you will get inspiration soon.... how is the other piece coming along....
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Well Chosen 20 words and I like their presentation--
Well Done & Best of Luck in the Contest!
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why do we always fall for the wrong one, when the right one is just under our noses. Good luck in the contest. jen
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Nicely done. Best wishes and good luck in the contest!
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