Baby, can't you see it?
See the smoke that's flittering about us,
the flames that are building up in the streets?
It's everyone's favorite past time-
Let's rebel against something we can't even see
and burn this whole town to the ground.
Laughing as they try to extinguish the flames-
Darling,
We'll dance the night away.
Drop it all and burn it to the ground,
I'm ready to lose it all,
and as the city starts to burn...
We'll make the greatest escape-
The great planetary exchange.
And as the night turns to day,
You'll be the boy who lived-
and I'll be the girl.
Together we'll be forever.
You fell in love with my vicious cruelty
and me, with your tender kindness,
forever you'll feed the flames of my desire.
Just be careful not to burn to ash.
Author notes
Do you want to lose it all?
Let them try and stop us.
I believe the world is burning to the ground.
Throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape.
So the lion fell in love with the lamb.
The boy who lived.
Mwhahhahha.. I strike again ^^
Also, used the song Brooklyn is Burning by Tokyo Decadence
A contest entry
- Quotes! by LuckyBlackCat.
450 points, ended May 17, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Whole Lot Of Options by reckless abandon.
450 points, ended May 9, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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=) Although I don't know the song you used, I still really liked the poem. (I especially like how it fits with those other quotes) Thanks for entering.
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Wow! This is great. I loved that you put all (was it all?) of the quotes in your poem...you get extra brownie points for that!
I have no critique..
and thanks for entering..
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It was all the quotes you had up when I entered ^^ thanks and have fun with your contest.
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I found the title interesting, so that's why I clicked on this. That said, there are just too many unspecific 'it's, which leads me to feel that the poem isn't quite managing to mean anything. Flame as desire is a pretty well-established figure, and I guess it works so so, but I don't think it pans out through the scope of your poem. It's not clear what flame is supposed to represent in the beginning other than some vague destruction impulse. It's not clear when you say "I'm ready to lose it all" because I got the impression from "laughing as they try to extinguish the flames" that it was other people's stuff that was burning. Once again, I have no idea what "it" is. I was intrigued, as I said, by your title, and mainly by "Let's do the planetary exchange" in the parentheses, but it doesn't seem like you've done anything with that in the poem itself. So the part I was most looking forward to seeing developed and expounded upon is conspicuously absent for all that I can tell. Perhaps you could work more on this idea of a planetary exchange and try to be more specific about these 'it's. Contrary to popular opinion, being vague isn't what poetry is all about.
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... Just to clear things up- My 'it's' are explained. The first it being the flames, the second goes with what's directly under it. The rebel. The third is everything.
You were right in wrong in your impressions. She's saying lets burn everything... A lot of this has to do with the song 'Brooklyn is burning'.
Burn everything. The world, because the girl has basically thrown her arms in the air and said she couldn't give a shit less.
The parentheses isn't my style, it's because I've been working on choosing which on for the title.
You're the first person to say it seems vague, but perhaps you don't get it as well because of the generation of gap. It's not large, but still- my mind is still...
Teenage.
Still I'm going to rebel because I want too, and any other 'teenager' who has heard this ( Over 150 some, as this was my piece for open mic) have no problem grasping it
The poem is about being a teenager, about being sick of the world and just wanting anarchy-
and if it fails
We'll just go to a different planet. -
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It's not hard to understand. It's just that it seems to manage to finish by saying nothing, or rather little. I might say that it's a typical teenage tactic to cover up all that one doesn't know by speaking in generalities and trying to seem worldly. I would be more impressed if you were more descriptive about something more contained, sort of like that old, famous Ezra Pound poem about people at a train station.
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I don't expect to impress you with a piece I did in less than 10 minutes. I'm not 'trying' to seem worldly. If you want a piece I'd like someone to be impressed by- try something like 'Mourning Seasons', pieces I did because I wanted to, not to fit a contest.
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Wow, the girl in this is like the ultra-seductive/cruel mistress! The character is so commanding! This poem is well-written and really original. I've never read anything quite like it, but I am officially a fan! Hooray for your poetry!
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