uncertainty

If I chose to soar,
I'd soar beyond your reach
and find somewhere to settle
I always believed that I needed help
to breathe, to feel or to realize my life
but there's a few pictures staring at me
intensely, truthfully from my wall
and I know I'm on my own

It's all so uncertain
trying to settle on unsteady water
constant ripples, changing futures
my life is like the air,
going from one place to the other
and my intentions are diminished over time
they say you change, its inevitable
some lights will glow brighter than others
and some lips will always be missed
kissing was always such a play
something that used to mean so much

but we lose our cause over time
and the noise settles in our eardrums,
perched on a high plane, away from time
I'm dissolved, lessened, washed away
but I'm still here, no longer languid, inactive
this time I come with flame in my eyes
and better goals, set up for compromise

My life is changing as am I in a million ways
the doors are staring me in the face
but I choose to see past them to the people
that have left me behind,
some--sneering in my face
and I choose to no longer feel around them
or put my feelings on mute
everything else comes first now

education, career, writing, family, friends
what of love?
what of "ever after?"
it lingers in the space above my head
at night I try to push it away
not because it hurts
but because I don't have a place for it right now
and maybe somewhere inside of me,
I know none of them may come back for me
they've left me on my own,
I'm an orphan

[in a whole new  way]

and I have no time to be sad
or to etch the reasons why into my skin
the only way I know how to breathe is to keep going
to write the pain as if it were my blood
to breathe the future as my air
make it my own until it assimilates with,
every membrane in my body
and I can function again

I'm doing all of this for me
because the time comes when sometimes
we must act for ourselves
in order to further what we think is worth it

"To be is to act"

Nothing comes without consequence
so I push it all aside
or stare it down,
eventually it fades out
and words lose their meaning
venom dissolves on my skin;
the scars become beautiful

suddenly I am something more

"I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known."