Some men pray in this Temple of Trust
and then prey on kids for love and lust.
A sanctuary of seduction
is this Catholic construction.
Youth is grabbed by holy tales,
which are as hard as Jesus' nails.
Aaron's rod becomes a snake,
spitting poison for God's sake.
The next date is Sunday's Eve
when she'll bite in Adam's apples.
Children change in this chapel,
making us wonder what to believe.
"It's a matter of fate, I declare.",
say those who have vowed to get none.
They grab other people's sons
like the dreaded devil may care.
The cult of Cross crosses lines,
making the earth and Chris cross.
Sick servants of the big Boss
keep this twisted love enshrined.
They must confess, those chaplains,
but they're mute like Charlie Chaplin.
We must not kill or use His name in vain,
but can we abuse and inflict grave pain?
Author notes
- Pasen = Dutch for Easter
- Cross has multiple meanings: the verb, noun and adjective, meaning angry.
Chris cross --> criss cross
- date = point in time / appointment
-Sunday's Eve = girl named Eve of Sunday / the evening before Sunday.
- none/nun
- Fate/faith
In a list
A contest entry
- Prewrite Plethora by TheDemonEve.
1100 points, ended May 30, 2008, 46 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poet's Choice III by Luna Tique Fringe.
1750 points, ended May 25, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blockbreaking (Come One, Come All!) by Connor Blackbird.
850 points, ended June 17, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Is it deliberate that your rhyme scheme changes, then changes back?
For a serious subject like this, it seems like an ill-conceived choice to use such a singsongy, near-lighthearted rhythm. It's hard to imagine reciting this, full of rather artificial rhymes (l.21-22 stand out) and choppy line breaks (l.3-4) and being taken very seriously. I understand you meant to be serious, but this really reads more like a parody or a humor piece simply in terms of its construction. Any form can work for the right poem, but this just seemed like a case of form not matching function. -
All in all good rhyme and rhythm...I'm curious..I noticed the variation of the rhyme pattern..is it a particular form?
Strong words. Thanks for entering. -
I like the word play in the title, very clever. This was a brutal piece, but it shines. Honest and bold and unafraid. The only thing I didn't like was the Charlie Chaplin reference, it was a bit weak in this genre, and the switch in rhyming scheme threw me off. Nonetheless, this piece's strength makes up for its soft spots. A little tweaking, and this piece will be unbeatable.
Best of luck and thanks for entering!
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