Within the garden of my dreams
I fly past bookshelves spanning miles.
Take seat on moss by clear spring streams,
where books blossom and grow in piles.
Songs I love are always playing
whether at dawn, dusk or midnight.
Still there's time enough for reading
here in the ever-present light.
Sweet scent of paper new and old
mixed with a garden's sweet perfumes.
The leaves and covers will not fold
in these so crisp and clean volumes.
Escapism is at its best
there in my perfect, private world.
I seek my peace in deep forests
among the flowers all unfurled.
Author notes
written for a contest.
Constructive criticism always encouraged and appreciated!
In a list
A contest entry
- A WALK IN YOUR GARDEN by Richard Adams, A Winkling #76. by Lyndon.
2800 points, ended May 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments? Constructive criticisms? Is the rhyme working? Does the last stanza fit? The last line? [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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bravo
Ah, very excellent, with some fine rhyme throughout as well as meter! Nice work! loved it!! bravo... bravo...
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I am lost in the beautiful picture...
Wonderful imagery in a delightful poem.
I suggest some time looking at the metre because there are a few 'stumbles' when read aloud.
Nevertheless, I see you enjoyed the experience and you have written a great poem, which does your garden great justice.
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Some beautiful imagery and a place I would love to sit and relax in the delight of it all.
Meter could be tightened up a bit to give this piece better flow but all in all a lovely walk trough a delightful garden. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela 
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I would really appreciate it if you could point out some spots where the meter needs work, why they do, and some suggestions if you have any. Ecrivain01 commented on some and I tweaked this after hearing his suggestions but if there is still something off I really would welcome any constructive criticism you have. Thank you for your help!
-Laura -
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Laura - Indeed I will. I will IM you some ideas. The base in this poem is good and ideas are strong. Smoothing out is what it needs to really sing, like a lovely garden. That's pretty easy, you've already done the hard work - creation. Thank you for asking. ~Pamela
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Thank you for the suggestions and the help with the meter! I have made a few changes already and I intend to continue to tweak and edit this until I have it exactly right. Thank you again for helping me!
^_^
-Laura -
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You are most welcome. You have much to say in verse and well worth reading time and again. Keep up the good work.
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Rain walker what can I say? There is no such thing as perfection but this contest piece...it's pretty damn close. A lovley poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Welldone! Great write
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This is a lovely poem ...
but the meter is off here and there, so it's harder to read it out loud.
In the garden of my dreams
I fly past bookshelves spanning miles.
Take seat on moss by clear spring streams,
to rest near books that grow in piles. (this stanza is perfect)
Favorite songs are always playing
be it dawn, dusk or midnight. (maybe: whether dawn or dusk or midnight)
Always time enough for reading
in the ever-present light.
Sweet scent of paper new and old
mixed with outdoor perfumes. (maybe: outdoorlike)
Leaves and covers will not fold
in these crisp and clean volumes. (maybe: in these crisply clean fresh volumes)
Escapism (is) at its best
there in my perfect, private world.
Seek my peace in deep forests (maybe: I seek)
among the flowers all unfurled.
Just some suggestions, of course, since it's your poem, but it's a shame not to have it scan right, since it is such a fine poem in other respects.
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I recently edited my piece "Dream Garden" to try to address the meter problems you cited. I hope you will re-read and critique again so that I can get this perfected. Thank you so much for your time and help with this!!
-Laura ^_^ -
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It's much better ...
the only suggestion I would really have is this line:
be it at dawn, dusk or midnight.
I'd go with "whether dawn, dusk, or midnight"
but other than that, it seems fine to me, and even that isn't strictly necessary, it would just work better in reading it.
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Thank you for the comment and the suggestions. I'm not really trying to stick to a firm meter with this piece, but I will take another look at those spots and possibly tweak it a bit. Thank you again!
-Laura
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