The rain today shows how the skies are sad,
They see the mess the World is in below,
It seems the realm of man is going mad.
Pollution spoils the beauty that we had.
Destroying all that nature puts on show,
The rain today shows how the skies are sad.
The best ideas of all are turning bad
In ways inventors really cannot know.
It seems the realm of man is going mad.
While politicians track the latest fad,
So climate change will maybe start to slow,
The rain today shows how the skies are sad.
Some things are clear to any undergrad
But all our problems only seem to grow.
It seems the realm of man is going mad.
The answers aren't yet on the launching pad
And maybe they will never start to flow,
It seems the realm of man is going mad,
The rain today shows how the skies are sad.
Author notes
I find these repeating forms very hard, I like to develop my refrains, not allowed in this form and with just two rhymes the temptation is to go for very weak ones.
In a list
A contest entry
- Return to classic forms by dericlee.
3500 points, ended May 10, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Villanelle - Nature by Little Feather.
600 points, ended May 11, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Welcome to allpoetry
I would agree that it seems you have given over to that temptation. Perhaps form poetry is not your forte`. The idea of the poem is a good one. To see the destruction mankind has wrought on Mother Nature. However, the word choices and pedestrian rhyme scheme seeem to lend themselves to an elementary style poem. Perhaps had you writen this in a style of your own the rhyme would have been more complex and the poem would have come out differently.
I appreciate you moving outside your comfort zone and attempting something new and different. You followed the form nicely.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
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With 850 odd poems and a few thousand comments already...
One day I hope that I shall master form
And pen with ease a gracious Villanelle
Or use my words to calm a winter storm
By forging them into a Kyrielle
It's true that there are forms at which I'm weak
But time will tell if they will grow on me
So few can get their Villanelles to speak
So hard to make repeating lines look free
But not all forms are written in that style
Some others seem to better suit my muse
I've only been around a little while
But learnt there are some tricks that I can use
My rhyme is rarely seen at walking pace
"Pedestrian" - I'll have to hide my face
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You make this look easy, I still have a lot to learn about iambs...lol, I am still working on syllable count. I like your subject matter and the presentation..
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A bit of last-minute coaching.
This message goes out to all entrants:
Finalists as shown on the contest page are preliminary choices.
With three days left before contest closes, I’d like to take a moment to remind all entrants; a villanelle is a metered form, not just a ‘rhythmic’ form, and meter is a prime portion of the judging in this contest! Meter is not just “how many beats in a line” but a set pattern of stressed versus unstressed beats.
While no particular meter is specified for the villanelle, it IS crucial that the meter be even. Whether iambic pentameter, anapestic trimeter, double-dactyllic meter, whatever meter, each line needs to at least loosely follow the same metric pattern as the others.
Another strong facet if judging in this contest is demonstrating an adaptive use of the repeated lines; the best villanelles can’t be achieved by making the repeat lines sentences or independent clauses, but by using them in varied meanings as different parts of different sentences. I refer you to Dylan Thomas’ “Do not go gentle into that good night” for a fine example of how this is done. (For those unfamiliar with the work, I’ve now included it in the text of the Contest Page at http://allpoetry.com/contest/2401901 ) Please revisit the Contest Page…more information has been provided for your use in these last three days.
If enough of you feel the need, contact me. For as few as (oh, lemme think… ) six requests, I’d be willing to stretch the contest by an additional five days so you can present your best work. In the interests of keeping what anonymity remains (glower!) please make those requests on the contest page, NOT by IM!
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LOL ...
the temptation is to throw something, I think. Villanelles are a real pain sometimes.
However, you've done a fairly good job here. I can't really see anything you need to change (or any reason to do so.)
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Standard notice (going to all entries)
Given that many "first day" poems often suffer some revision before final judging (which will take place during the final three days before close) I won't comment on this poetically yet. The contest ends May 8th...I'd like to see all editing done and your product "finished" by the fifth if possible, to aid me in judging in a timely manner. -
Oh yes, the world is really going mad or to hell in a hand-basket. I enjoy life; although, some days are not too bright. Anyway, in the next 20-30 years I may be long gone and on the other side looking down shaking my head. I enjpyed the poem. Never though the rain as sad, but the angels could be crying after all.
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Villanelle is one of my favorite forms, though you wouldn't know that by reading mine. *
*..You've done a great job with this one.
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What's scary is I can here you reading this, get out of my head please!!!! If you don't like being restricted by form there's free verse WEG!
Villanelles are often laments, and this is one for our world and the destruction we have done already! I love this write and going in my green listing.xxx Jem
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I love a perfectly penned Villanelle. You did a wonderful job here. By reading your notes, I think you are looking at the form all wrong. Look at the form as a way to express yourself. The repeating lines add depth and character so you only have to chose them wisely.
Love,
Amera♥
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I know, but I have views on poetry built over too many years of just reading, not studying. And I have built such a strong view of what I want a Villanelle to do, same problem I had with sonnets. I need to learn to treat them just as poems, and to write what I want, then make it fit into the classic form.
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Well for a guy wearing a suit he feels uncomfortable in, you don't do a bad job. Trouble is... everyone writing in this form has to take on Dylan Thomas. I don't think the villanelle will ever be one of your fancy waistcoats, but it's ok for off-the-peg.
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