Your blood's a whisper
silently singing a tune
only we could comprehend.
Author notes
It means the blood singer.
A contest entry
- OPTIONS: Dark, chilling poetry wanted by notorious.
505 points, ended April 30, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - personal favorite by Virgoan.
2000 points, ended June 9, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The first two lines are very strong. There so much to see even if you remove the last line.
On a personal note, I honestly worry the last line as being very weak compared to the first two. Just my thought.
My opinion, your call
Keep sharing your gift.
HENSLEY
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The French just rolls off my tongue (though I can't really speak French, but still).
The good:
The whole thing, really. It's concise, mysterious, and very vampiric.
Suggestions:
"we alone could comprehend"
I think you could rephrase this in a way so that the word 'only' would be in this line for emphasis on the 'we'.
e.g. "only we could comprehend"
Thanks for entering! -
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Fixed it.
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Okay.
Now it sounds more personalized and chilling..
Funny how a change of 1 or 2 words can make it seem...better. -
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Haha. The funny thing is in the first draft I made, that was how the wording was. I though it sounded boring. Haha.
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You should put that fun fact in your Author's Notes? LMAO
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This is my kind of poem.... Short, deep, strong message and to the point!!!!! I also love the lack of rhyme, caps and minimal use of puncts.... I have trouble writing this type work, even though I like to read it... Best wishes in the contest!!!!
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Ah, I like this a lot. Short, sweet but oh so deep. Nice write and good luck in the contest.
Shade
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