Floating
in my emotional moat,
drifting with the rolling earth,
the rheumy waters lapping at my fingertips.
Drifting, the dream,
past love shattered
blows surrender in my ears.
Look down now to the sandy floor.
No mermaids hear the glass as it falls
they do not swim here
where fish dart into hearts.
I am sinking into the depths of the ocean,
seaweed entangled in my curling tendrils
as they fan into a golden web.
My skin cool with the midnight air,
thinned to rice paper frailty.
As my pasty lips relax,
I fall into the ocean's hungry craw
where worries swirl,
tangle me
pull me down
to where yesterdays cannot reach
and no tomorrows grow.
A contest entry
- Damaged and broken by zochit2me.
900 points, ended May 3, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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excellent use of metaphors in this piece with good language amd imagery...very well done.
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This had a dreamy kind of feel to it, like someone going under for the last time. I would watch my use of filler words like and, is, with..etc. I am guilty as well so just a little opinion and remember that is all it is.
Very well done.
and pull me down
to where yesterdays cannot reach
and no tomorrows grow.
(pull me down
where yesterdays cannot reach
...no tomorrows grow.)
Becky
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Thank you for a thoughtful read. I wrote this because there is a release of emotions and the fight to live when a person is truly damaged and broken. I add the small words in to enhance the rhythm that I want the poem to have. I did see that I wanted to use some of the criticism and so changed the poem a little.
Joyce
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