Life unfolds from the earth
smelling fragrance's of green
Eyes watch daily for all new
as each bud emerges
Breeze blows curtains
to the ceilings
Sun shines as clouds
of white move slowly
Spring has arrived out loud
our smiles glowing delight
Morning birds sing their songs
leaving us, till dreams come true
Tree's sway as their leaves
of green wave to us all
In the yard the hammock waits
for one to lay, for more dreams
to come...
Author notes
Theme-Nature
*PO'Contest*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended May 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
this is orite, it never really says anything new but it does capture a moment, and does that really succesfully, the capitalisation at the start of lines was a little throwing and i would check the apostrophe on fragrances, but its ok.
-
Oh, how descriptive and beautiful. It makes me want to find a shady tree and lay in a hammock. What nostalgia for a simpler time.
-
Hi and welcome to the POM!
Just reading Bear's review...yep, he hit you pretty hard on the primary reasons this will not score highly in a PO contest.
Finding the right theme is the majority of the battle in these contests. If you do choose a more common subject to write about, remember that we will be looking for a fresh perspective. As I've told many other poets, you have a view of the world that is unique from anyone else's, so dig deep and find those things that will add originality and a creative twist to your poem.
Since Bear covered the parts that will bring your score down, I'd like to spend a minute going over the things I thought you did really well. Firstly, the combination of flow and punctuation (or lack of). Normally I would have some difficulty following your thoughts without periods or commas to guide me, but because you've used capitol letters to begin new thoughts it was just enough of a guide for me to follow. Nice job on that. I also noticed good line breaks, with powerful and memorable nouns and verbs at the end of each line.
All in all I see very little problem with the technical aspects of the poem, so I hope you’ll keep Bear’s suggestions in mind, then just blow us out of the water next time!
Peace and Blessings,
~J.
*Edited, missing part of comment
-
Hi there :)
Well.....I hope after this review, that you will still come back.....as this may sound a tad rough in kindess......but I just want to warn you, I am pretty strict on following and reading Rules ~
First off....you only had one stanza, which was too long IMHO..... and it also broke the *no letter*a* rule*.....
..and your Theme is very weak in originality.....so therefore, even as lovely as this piece is, I am going to have to score it as I see the piece in Effort, or lack of ~
I have seen your work, and I do believe with all my earnestness, that your quill is MUCH more Poerful than this......and the PO' contests are here to Challenge your quill.....as it says in the Rules as well ~
I do not see a Challenge here for you.......so with that said, please do not get upset at me and pull your entry, as I would like to see how your other Judge is going to view this ~
Yes.....terrific Imagery....lovely Tone.....but no Power, no Impact, no Lasting Impression and the small bit of Focus which you did have, is small in comparison to your other work :)
Here we go!
Good luck,
....and may you be blessed for supporting the PO' contests,
Bear ~
Title 6.0....too cliche'.....for me -
Flow 9.5...not bad....even without punctuation -
Depth 9.15
Theme 5.0
Feelings 6.95
Grammar 9.2....a tad weak -
Presentation 8.55...I would have broken your stanza up into at least two stanzas -
Uncommonness 7.5.....not original at all -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.5
Ability to follow Rules 9.0
Bears Score: 78.35
This is the score you will always get with simple, unoriginal poetry in the PO' contests.....however, if you increase you efforts, your score shall increase as well ~
Please do not be unhappy......use this as a learning tool and keep trying!
Bear ~
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
a gentle
easy going write
best of luck to you
in the compo...although you might want to heed the warnings below me
GET that trophy!! -
Aloha!
You may want to re read the rules....put theme and PO
in your AN...etc. etc.
Write on!
*PEACE* -
-
Thank you for commenting on my poem, "Spring Has Sprung," thank you for mentioning some corrections that were needed. I went back I fixed them all, thanks again
-
-
Nice
Some of my favorite lines are "with fragrance of green", "breeze blows curtains" and the ending
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
