Try?
I did.
Many times,
useless effort,
unrecognized.
Fly?
I did.
Many times,
until you clipped
my wings.
Cry?
I did.
Many times,
until desert sands
fell from my eyes.
Succeed?
I did.
When I soared
above you on
borrowed wings.
Author notes
~POM~Contest
Theme: "Success"
You may NOT use the Filler Words, *is..*but..*and..*with..*for ~
* There shall be no letter -a- in your first or last lines, of each stanza ~
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended May 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Wow...considering the power and impact I found in these few words, I can only imagine what you might have done using a few more! I do think there is a very fine place in poetry for word economy. Unfortunately, unless you are able to give a knockout punch quickly, the PO contests will be a difficult place for it to score the really big points. This says everything I'm thinking you needed and wanted it to, in which case there's not much reason to add to it...except that most of your readers will, like me, (and others I see who have commented) want more.
I find the brevity negatively affected the originality of the poem IMO too. My best argument for adding to this is that the theme has been written on a fair bit, so it becomes doubly important to try and bring a fresh perspective to the write. That's difficult to do if the poem seems more like a summary of others that have been written on the same subject.
(And I do apologize if that sounds at all harsh, because there are a lot of things I truly like and enjoyed within the poem!)
One thing that impresses me quite a bit is just how much imagery you squeezed into this considering it's only 32 words. I loved the lines, "until desert sands/fell from my eyes." Also, the assonance mixed with rhyme is another thing that made this incredibly lovely to read, both aloud and to myself. Rhyming vowel sounds is a poetic tool so many poets never take advantage of, but I find it more subtle than alliteration yet just as musical, maybe more so.
So, although there are some cons to how you've written this IMO, I also see pros that balance them out very well. I don't believe I'd honestly want to see this edited because it does have so many strong points. But hopefully between Bear and I we've given you some things to consider and keep in mind for future writes.
My scores and any other areas I look at will be revealed in the final notes. Thanks so much for joining us, good luck, and I hope we'll see you very soon in future PO contests!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Hi there :)
Simply enchanting entry :)
....however,
as you know from the past PO' contests you have entered, there are certain things I look for in my own personal critiques....and one of those areas are Power.....I found that here....subtle, but here ~
Impact....your Tone is splendid ~
Lasting Imparession.....not as bold as I have seen in many other writes, but the way you wrapped up your write is what draws me back to read it again ~
....and.....with only 32 words, give or take a couple here and there, and besides the repeating of...*I did*....there is really not too much room to place Focus and/or Power in your entry.....but I still find it quite eloquent and fancy-free thinking :)
There are areas which I shall score you on, so let's get right to it and see how it scores....ok?
Good luck to you and God bless you and your entry,
Bear ~
Title 7.5....not very filling of my curiousity -
Flow 9.9
Depth 7.75
Theme 8.5...not common, yet not as original as I would like to see -
Feelings 8.95....just as I was getting into your write, you took it from me :(
Grammar 9.1....a little elementary, but not bad -
Presentation 9.95
Uncommonness 9.3
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.25
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 90.2
Not a bad score for this entry.....I sure hope you continue to join us.....and watch your scores soar!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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You succeeded alright, simply glides. A wonderful poem. All the best in the contest with it
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Try?
you did
and aced the challenges...
well written
although I woulve liked to see more...not too late too add your talents!!
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This is amazing! so much to say in such little words. The meaning is clear the way it is written...I have nothing to say but Brava! Im speechless!!! hahaha Good Luck you are winning for sure!!!!!! AMAZING
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Oh, this is grand! Love the progression, and the end line is golden!
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Well penned!
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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I like the procession you showed of the phases you went through to succeed. And I really like how you ended this.
best wishes in the contest.
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thank you
Blessings,
Sassy
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