His other half has vanished once again
so he heads back to the bar alone
he tries to buy a pint of beer
the tender tells him
where to go.
'We're only serving orange juice tonight
and it's for the folk in fancy dress.'
A bird appears, he cranes his neck
and asks if she has seen his wife
he asks again, his glazed eyes plead
the peahen won't reply.
As he looks around
huge beasts and clowns
sip and shift in giant joke shop shoes
a bass guitar adds mystery
to this proper horror movie scene
as he slips out through the disco door
he turns into a dim lit street.
On a step beneath the town hall clock
a shock evokes his deepest fear
his auntie sits beside herself
her vodka glass, a bowl of tears
she explains through snot and handkerchiefs
'your wife was here but now is not'
'She's been up to her old tricks again
catching flames and playing games.'
'No longer do I recognise
that girl it seems is in disguise
but I know she's at that do tonight,
in feathers.'
Author notes
POM. This is based on a terrifying dream I had. It's about how someone can do something to you, and become instantly unrecognisable. "do", party. I know i've used to many fillers but it's too late for me to edit it. The rhyme "scheme" is deliberately strange and confusing, in keeping with the poem and it's theme. I wanted to call this the 7 year itch.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended May 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me what you got... by Luckintheshadows.
900 points, ended May 18, 2008, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Horrible Nightmares by Darkend.
650 points, ended March 29, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Dream To Remember by Poetess12.
700 points, ended May 14, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I
Comments
1 - 31 of 31
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It's interesting how a dream can leave you feeling terrified or feeling bad when you wake up from such a dream or nightmare.
It seems like when we have a good or bad dream the feeling that one may have when waking up can have an effect on how we feel in the morning.
A lot of times dreams don't make much sense.
I know that sometime after I have had a bad dream I wake up feeling depressed.
Thank you for your entry.
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Wow...ummm. I am not quite sure to say about this poem, there was definitely alot of twists and turns. Thank you for entering.
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I thought the rhythm was off but suited the subject. It gave a clear feeling of a confusing dream. Quite an effective technique. It does grab hold of one and keeps interest throughout. Well done my friend. Good luck in the contest. R
ps...I am glad you didn't edit. I love it! -
I am lucky that I don't have your dreams. Excellent work. Really weird, but aren't all dreams in some form or fashion?
Awesome. Totally psyched me out. -
I have missed the stories that only you can tell. You grab hold of my attention and never let it go...always making me want more. This poem is no exception. Well done my friend.
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Aw, thanks my friend, how are you?
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an incredible poem!!! inspired, scary, very creepy no doubt!!! the imagery is fantastic, dreams can be seriously hectic things....like the one I had about being chased by giant black frogs that were jumping up and biting my hands...*shudders*....I really enjoyed reading this, creepiness and all,
Thanks for sharing,
Luck. -
This made me re live your terrifying dream I think. It conjures up very powerful images, a very dark and mysterious write. Cottoned on to the bird being the wife straight away. Yet another good one Alex, well done.
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I think this is great. Refects the poets true feelings. Like an artist spattering paint on canvass. Some really creative phrases thoughout. My favorite being...
"giant joke shop shoes"
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....and yes......
....I did realize the bird was a woman......as it is what they call women in the Ozark Mountains....my home ~
...but pheasant, little quail and gobbler are most common ~
Bear ~
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Just did one last read-through...not sure I explained very well, but remember that it isn't enough to say something was frightening as in L17 and 21...we need to see it for ourselves, or perhaps a few good metaphors about how "he" feels in the poem. Anyway, just a final thought.
TY again!
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Does anyone actually understand that the bird was his wife?
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Yes.
It took me the second reading to realize it, but yes.
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Well...I have to both agree and disagree with Bear on this one. The one thing I'm really not happy with is the obvious lack of editing per the rules, and yes, it's questionable as to "poetic" format. But...the theme and so many of your phrases are so brilliant that I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it. I'd have been even glader (that's not a word, is it?) if you'd been able to do the editing.
You've got great material to work with, and I think you already know much of what needs editing. The imagery is wonderful, the story seems random at first but I immediately had the sense of being in a dream. That tells me you did something very right. However...you say in your AN that it was a terrifying dream...but that part didn't come across. So much of our nightmares are about how we feel in them compared to what's actually happening plot-wise, an important thing to note when translating one into a poem if (if) you want to convey that same sense of fear. I think there's a serious underlying message here...I'm a bit at a loss as to how you can bring that out and keep this from being taken as just an off the wall poem, but something you can consider if you so wish, and perhaps come up with some ideas. Bringing that fear to light somehow at the end of the poem would go a long way, I think, and give this the impact at the end that almost but not quite comes across with your closing lines.
Title...too long and wordy for me. Again, I think with a little more thought you might come up with something that works better.
I expect the PO contests will be here for quite some time...so don't feel like you have to enter a piece before it's ready. That's all the lecturing I'm going to do.
Thanks for your entry, and if you edit I'd love to have a second look at this.
Peace and Blessings,
~J. -
Hey Alex :)
Well.....nice Theme, if it really was one...hehe ~
The format took on a whole new meaning of *poetic......so I am just going to pretend I didn't see it this time :)
I can tell you were not yourself 100% when writing this entry.....and it will show in your score :( ....always find time to enter your best, or you could be taking the spot from someone who really had the time to enter something in poetic form, and with a sense of bringing their best....just a reminder Buddy :)
I see.... *and ...*for.... slipping into your write, and those are not allowed, but you knew that when you started I bet :)
I can only score this based on what I have read and the contents thereof.....there are too many areas which need editing and/or a final format fix.....so let me get this on the scoreboard and we'll call it a night :)
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
PS...Please do not take this review personally in a harmful way...take it from someone who enjoys your work, when it's worthy of the PO' contests and of your talents I met 2 years ago :)
Title 7.5....didn't do anything for me -
Flow 7.9....too many filler words and loose grammatical choices -
Depth 9.25
Theme 9.3
Feelings 6.95
Grammar 8.5
Presentation 7.95...sloppy format.....and you know better -
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.6
Ability to follow Rules 8.5
Bears Score: 83.45
Ouch!....Double OUCH!
Pay attention next time Alex.......you are sooooo much better than this entry,
Bear ~
No editing!
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Reading old poems/comments. I seem to remember that I reacted badly to this comment, I apologize. I'm embarrassed now. What a tool.
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Very unique write...
something I think we all can relate to... told in a quite out of the ordinary manner. I enjoyed the read and good luck to you in the contest.
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this is a fun poem!
I like this poem its very FUN!
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this was pure fun to read i know the feeling when someone you 'thought' you knew quite well does something and then becomes a stranger. this was a very cool read
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This might be the first thing I've seen on here which I honestly like a lot. You use very many well-found phrases, and it possesses an originality throughout which I appreciate a lot.
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Ooh this is lovely!
I do love stumbling upon something fantastic and original
You've painted a vivid picture here- I can see it so clearly...
Beautiful, you've made my day <3
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Different, unique and oh-so-extraordinary! I like the flow here and the filler words just seem to fit with or without being edited. This has great merit and without a trophy to show for your work, you still have plenty to be proud of. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you in all of your endeavors. Keep that pen handy and ever ready for use dear poet.
♥ Touchof1der -
this is very cliver alex, i loved the description in this, and whiter netphorical or not i could see those ppl in fancy dress verry clearly, the title is really smart as is always the case with your titles, how this never lifted a trophy escapes me mate
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A wonderful start, good luck with the editing, don't envy you with all the new rules. All the best in the contest with it
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I hope you're keeping all the extra rules
in mind...whilst you edit!
Best wishes.
*PEACE* -
simply uncontestable...
your talent, that is
good luck bro
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lol...I'll be back to comment when it's finished and edited..so far it looks grand!
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Best wishes on the edit...
and in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Well, once you edit and finish this, it is quite interesting! Full of great images.
best wishes in the contest.
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this was a good poem
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