The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few can hold it
and anger's one letter short of danger,
so you should control it
he who lives in a glass house
should change his clothes down in the cellar
because if i never had to see his ugly side,
i think that would be stellar
Happiness is a journey and not a destination
so quit trying to infect me with your infestation
it takes 42 of my muscles for my face to frown
why do you make me work so hard? you fucking clown!
it only takes 4 muscles for my arm to bitch-slap yo face
so back off mutha fucker and get out of my space!
The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few can hold it..
but thats alright you son of a bitch because
i just fucking sold it!
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this is too funny,
I really had a laugh reading and this is so true too!
your style and sense of humour i so can relate to
Blessings
Rend
I love these ending lines, rich!!!!
it only takes 4 muscles for my arm to bitch-slap yo face
so back off mutha fucker and get out of my space!
The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few can hold it..
but thats alright you son of a bitch because
i just fucking sold it!
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LMAO oh this is sooo funny!!!
HOW COME YOU CAN GO FROM ONE STYLE TO ANOTHER WHITH SUCH EASE
I LOVE THIS, ONLY YOU COULD HAVE WROTE IT, ITS AWESOME
N HEY....THANKS
T
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lol ty
and hey np ... smiles make things better
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Hah! I like how increasingly vulgar this becomes.
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Ahhhhhh Haaaaaa! I loved this profusely and am still laughing, wonderful to have a good laugh through all the despair most these writes inspire.
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LOL
wow,that was way fun to read
made me crack up
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lol good
i was trying for a touch of humor concidering it's about kicking someones ass
thanks for the feedback i'll return the favor
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The first couple of lines of this one really grabbed me.
“The tongue weighs practically nothing,
But so few can hold it”
This particular turn of phrase feels very strong to me. It has real impact, and it’s original in the sense that I’ve never heard it put that way before.
And there are parts of this piece that I really like.
Eg:
“Happiness is a journey and not a destination
so quit trying to infect me with your infestation”
As a matter of personal preference, I’m not a huge fan of rhyming poetry. That said, the rhymes you’ve opted to use here in general are pretty skillful. Typically, I find that rhyming is intended to add a specific structure, and help the reader identify the metre of the poem, so I was a bit confused by the sporadic schema changes.
I didn’t consider the first four lines to have a rhyming scheme, though I suppose technically, ‘it’ rhymes with itself, so it could. But as a writer of free verse (and usually a reader of it) it didn’t immediately strike me as ‘rhyming’ more of a certain juxtaposition of the same word added for impact.
Then it moves to a ABCB rhyming scheme for a little while, and then AABB. It lost a bit of coherence for me. With such a short piece, I personally feel that consistency is important.
There was a rhyme in there that felt a little forced, where you added ‘you fucking clown’ to the end of the line in order to rhyme it with ‘frown’.
For me, this fits a little more into the ‘beat’ poetry realm, but doesn’t go quite far enough. It feels like the angry rant part of the piece could go on for quite a bit longer (and further enforce your rhyming scheme) and be further supported by the staccato rhythmic feel of the piece extended over a greater duration. I think that it would make a pretty decent start for a ‘Rap’ piece… it has the same kind of feel for me.
The line:
“it only takes 4 muscles for my arm to bitch-slap yo face”
Feels a bit awkward, syllable wise. It’s also the only line in which you’ve used a colloquial slang term. I think that it might fit better with the previous, and following lines if you modified it a bit… I might suggest something along the lines of:
“It only takes four muscles to bitch slap a face”
When I read it, again with the staccato angry feeling (in this case, I’m almost going as far as an MC… a particularly angry MC)
Maybe I’m not reading it in the way you read it, so my perspective might be a little bent.
I’m also not sure why it’s in centred justification. I’m not seeing how that adds value to the piece.
Overall, I think it’s a strong piece, but I think it’s a stronger start to a more in depth piece.
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thank you
yeah this was jsut something i scribbled down a few years back.. the opening line is an old saying.. not my work.. thank you though your comment was very good and indepth
so thank you for that but all of the form advice went right over my head i just let it hit the paper and well i cant allow my self to start editing stuff again
because i will pick it apart too much.. lol
i have no idea of poetic forms .. i just write it you know.. not one of my best i know but when i came accross it i thought some readers might get a kick out of it.. thanks again your comments are great.. i need the critical rewiews ... it is quite helpful also i forgot the lil clappies for your comment -
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oh, I had no idea it was an old saying! *crawls back under the rock from whence he came*
I’m not a huge stickler for form… In fact, I’m not classically trained in form at all. Anything I say is entirely my own opinion, for whatever it’s worth. ‘I may not know art, but I know what I like’. I’m not sure if it’s ‘normal’ but when I read, poems, books, whatever, (or when I write for that matter) it’s as though the words are being read aloud to me, in the way that I would read it aloud to someone else. It takes on a character, a certain feeling… I try to give that to all of the pieces that I write. That’s as close as I can get to form, and ease or awkwardness of reading, or feeling. To me, that’s what’s important.
I just have a love of words, and of language. It’s all pattern, and music… it’s as much about the spaces between the words as the words themselves. It’s about texture.
I have the same problem with editing. Sometimes it just kills me to look at stuff I wrote, (even as recently as what I have posted on this site), and I want to tear it apart, and re-build it. Even though I heavily edit before I call it ‘finished’ it never seems just right in hindsight.
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I like angry poetry Great job *smiles brightly*
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wow...very angry that one...thats really passionate...i like the wise little bits in the beginning
peace, love, & cheese -
Lol.. Ok I couldn't help but laugh there at the end.. I'm sorry..lol. ok ok but for real..
Wow.. this was really intense.. feeling just a little angry are we? But I say slap him like the bitch he is!! Great write hun!!
Jetleena
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Well well.. a lot of anger in there!! Whoever he is it sounds like he indeed needs a bitch-slap lol
I'm not sure who in this is the one that is meant be controlling it it...
Anyway... I've been there with someone driving me to the edge of distraction! So yep, I get the feeling in this... walk away I say!
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