so broken down
i cannot breathe
i fight and fall
the beast still stands
losing it all
i stumble on
to collapse again
and bruise my soul
the struggle too great
i'm too far gone
cannot hold on
cannot let go
give it up
and make it worse
i'm shattered, broken
cannot be found
to this, i say
my end will come
quietly i'll slip away
to darkness bleak
and souls astray
i live it out,
my death in pain
no howl to haunt
no whisper to convey,
only silence...
already forgotten
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I enjoyed the short lines and not being broken down into stanzas for this poem. It adds to the tone and desperation here. I do feel though that it should either rhyme or not. That part made it seem kinda "choppy". Maybe if you made rhyming and non-rhyming stanzas. idk. Nice powerful poem though. Thanks for sharing
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i like the line structuce, the way it reads really fast, with the thin lines, but i think it would sound best if it completly rhymed, but better if it didn' rhyme it all. the half and half these lines rhyme but some don't just doesn't sit well with the poem.
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very dramatic piece, fantastic to read. i love the structure, my only advice is maybe shorten the line 'quietly i'll slip away' - it's a bit long amongst the other lines, breaks the rhythm a tad. hope that helps. amazing write and thanks for sharing
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This is such an emotional write. I enjoyed the short lines you used, it made the sentences very powerful, and the ending was perfect for this poem. Well done, this is great.
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Very emotionally intense. I absolutely love the ending. Very well done.
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