something eludes
through life’s journey,
feelings of freed worries
lost momentarily,
discontent planted, disguised
seize us
pricking the feelings
worry binds the moods
all things center around it,
we swim in these waters
take breather,
it follows
silhouette on our back
cheers sweep them
like western wind,
fallen autumn leaves
gather again
while wind recedes
echoes inside
of fallen hopes,
dreams that fail to flower,
we slip
climb the slopes,
give up hope
worry feeds on helpless
Author notes
*PO'contest*
"Trail of worries"
Worries follw like a shadow, however we try to distance them.They are infact the soil from which plants grow to give beautiful flowers
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1500 points, ended May 1, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
nice one! really nice! liked it! and great scores! all the best!!
-
It's good to see you in the POM!
Let's get right to it, shall we?
I love the journey of thought this takes me on. Although there were a couple of spots where the clarity was lost to me, I think the lack of filler words had a lot to do with it. Like Bear, I noticed the flow was awkward at times for the same reason...sort of like the difference between watching a slide show verses a movie, your thoughts seemed a bit chopped off instead of flowing steadily to the following one.
I know it's more difficult when certain words are "banned", but you have the option to edit and add words back in if you so choose after the contest is over.
Other than that, not too many problems that I could see. Lovely theme, maybe not the most original, but done with some freshness I appreciated. I would like to see your imagery just a bit more vivid, but several of the lines as Bear pointed out are beautiful indeed.
I can't honestly think of much more to add...keep working on the grammar aspects of your writes, as I think most deductions you're getting in the PO contests stem from that in flow, clarity, etc. You've improved so much already, I have little doubt we have only begun to see great things from your pen.
Thanks so much for joining us, and best of luck to you!
Peace and Blessings,
~J. -
Hi there :)
First thing I noticed....was that *a* in last L, 2nd Stanza :(
...oh.....
Hi there!
Welcome back!
This is a really great Theme from your quill......I did have a tad bit of a problem with your Flow, but I contribute that to the lack of Filler Words which were banned from this PO' contest ~
You did very well following the Rules, but sometimes we have to slow down and choose the right words to compliment the Flow, or points are going to be lost in that area with these type of Rules ~
However, still a wonderful write with lots to think about ~
I have re-read this a few times, and I really can't pick a favorite stanza, as all of them are penned wisely ~
....nice job!
*cheers sweep them like western wind*
*dreams that fail to flower*
....so very pretty :)
Power is there....but lacking Ummph....but it is still visible ~
Impact...very nice....something to think about ~
Lasting Impression.....there are some areas which stand out really nice....but our goal is to make each stanza make us go WOW!
Over-all....a beautiful entry....with only a few minor details which will have a slight bearing on your score ~
Good luck to you and God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 10....perfect -
Flow 9.5....really nice -
Depth 9.75
Theme 10
Feelings 9.95....beautifully depicted from your lovely imagery -
Grammar 9.2
Presentation 9.55
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6
Ability to follow Rules 9.75
Bears Score: 97.3
Excellent job :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
Such beauty in words my brother, very heartfelt..I have had my own trials of worries recently, so I do undertand your words here.. Very heartfelt poem..And I do wish you the best luck in the POM contest
Your sister Cindy
-
Beautifully written. Good luck in the contest!
(one teeny edit to go!)
-
This is very insightful..setting one to think about life seriously, but this seems very earnest..All the best in the contest...
-
Superb poem, wonderful theme. You have penned a little beauty here. I did notice one rule glitch on line 11 but other than that...wow! All the best in the contest with it
-
Wonderful write! Even your topic explanation reads like poetry! Well done, poet!
-
Nicely done! Only saw 1 spot, I think, that needs an edit.
best wishes in the contest.
-
Another beautiful entry!
Might want to re read rules and poem...check it one more time..
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
THis is absolutely amazing. This is so beautiful and you have done so well here. The imagery is outstanding and you have described everything so well. I love the word choice you have used. all the best for the contest.
-
A_W_E_S_O_M_E Brother. Very well done love this. Good luck in the POM
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
