waves crash in like
blue gray elephants
on african sand,
stampeding in
only to abruptly leave,
but an elephant never forgets
a beach.
the trees across the road all slant
back away from the trumpeting,
rolling herd.
the salt wind never wavers-
when it comes,
it comes from the sea.
there is a constant flow,
out to in, left to right,
water pushes the wind to push the trees
to slant.
and for a second
i look across at her in the driver's seat,
and, blown by beauty, almost say-
but the elephants
get in the way
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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this is very original poem at first i thought it was going to be about an animal but then i actually read it and was rather surprised by what i read and its a very good poem. and very unusual like the person below me says it caught me off gaurd
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Very Different
This caught me off guard..Thanks..very unusual flow, but that works!! Great spaces left among the words..less is more and in this instance..haunting and beautiful.
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great usage of words which form a very discriptive read, really enjoyed this!!
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Lovely
You described the sea really beautifully. But i don't think the background has anything to do about your poem. Apart from that i love this poem!Well done, keep penning!
Lana
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Yes, I liked it too. Very descriptive, and with a surprising and humorous ending. The end of the first verse also strong.
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good
i liked reading it. my favorite part was talking about the waves pushing the wind. this whole poem was very descriptive, and i loved that. great poem overall!
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WOW
I really enjoyed reading this. Great use of metaphors and descriptive words. Very imaginative and yet so real. The ending just seems to sum everything up perfectly until the elephants get in the way. Thank you for sharing this great write.
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really like this
beautiful, elegant and fun. very cool.
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Elephants wow what a topic to write about. This is a good and interesting read. Love the imagery and it is so much fun
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maybe, saying gray is better than blue gray?
I love this poem though, a lot!
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This is a fun read. I see this as metphor for life that come crashing in, waves return to sea, the elephants disappear. IMO-The second stanza is unclear for the reader to grasp the context. Be a bit more plain. Example-The trees sway and slant with the salt wind as it comes from the sea. To many metphors the reader gets lost to figure out what is being said from the wind and the elephants trumpeting. The third stanza is one metphor-this allows the reader to get-the winds constant flow-reader understands this as direction is always the same. Out to in, left to right-this is a repeat of the same concept-delete one. Water pushes the wind to push the trees to slant-The reader can grasp forces one upon the other causes change. The curve on this is who is HER in the dirver's seat. The reader is taken without knowing the intent of providing the metphor in the last lines. Who HER is influences thought process-Mother is different than Lover; Lover is different than Sister. The reader is grasping How is HER going to react. Does HER understand about the elephants?
If this is designed as a fun read without metphors and non-sense child like enjoyment this has taken the reader on a lovely trip, with tongue twist and lots of imagination.
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good!
i love this, how you feel right inside the poem. the images are great and the emotion is so real! wonderful write here, darling. keep up the great work!
Rizzie -
different
is a good thing.
try some minor editing- re-set a few line breaks... only advice i have.
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Very fun and well-crafted. I wasn't sure how I felt about it until the end and then I wanted to read it again. You form and rhythm are great here and you give the reader lots of visuals to work with.
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I like the flow ofd the poetry sharing the visuals of the life ...I love it..and my thanks for such a wonderful piece...
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Ok, this is so fun!! I love this a lot! You are very descriptive and creative!!! I like how "elephants never forget a beach"!!
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