The friction of my lies converge at the vertex of your soul,
Where the daunting weight knocks me unconcious and out of control.
I wain in the draining hours that deal me shady cards,
A king, A queen, Jack of hearts ripped into shards.
The fray of my soul lay waste to my action,
As each fiber in me shakes ghoulishly at the satisfaction,
That I am weak, I am nothing.
I cry inside as outward I am huffing and puffing.
The rain never ceases in this shantytown of illusion,
as I am the mayor forming armies of conclusion.
But am I right, or is there no wrong.
Shall I fight, or leave death to prolong,
The act to which I am already keen,
The breaths inside my chest beginning to lean,
Over the edge I pour myself in full
As gravity devours me in its granduer pull
And there I lay for eternity.
There I am black without the thought of you and me.
No death, nor life,
Not even the gray matter inbetween called strife,
Just me on my bed grasping a knife,
Hoping for a tomorrow
For one day a wife.
Yet always I am consumed by the sorrow,
As the sun sets and there is no tomorrow,
As the clouds roll over and I become faint,
And finally the white canvas is full of paint.
Author notes
Blackout Write
"and I don't hear my own soul scream"
Benjamin D. Warden
Option - 002
A contest entry
- Give me Pain by Devient.
575 points, ended June 17, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - personal favorite by Virgoan.
2000 points, ended June 9, 2008, 64 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [Pure.Narcotic] by Xombii.
450 points, ended September 20, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is lovely.
Though you missed a few of the things I was looking for in the authors notes, this is really good.
The rain never ceases in this shantytown of illusion,
as I am the mayor forming armies of conclusion.
My favourite lines.
Thank you for entering.
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There are two spelling errors in the first two lines. My suggestion is to run this through spell check. That is not to say there's no value or potential to this piece. It is only to say as a reader, I'm distracted immediately from the writing because of the misspellings.
Thank you for entering. -
i like this. the rhyming is just enough and i love the imagery.
keep sharing your gift.
HENSLEY
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"Just me on my bed grasping a knife," EXCELLENT LINE! I liked the rhyme scheme and enjoyed the poem very much! Good luck.
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I like this...it was very entertaining...it pulled me in, has great diction which reinforces the imagery...great piece...I will check out some of your other stuff...-Josh
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No doubt one of the best poems I've ever read. Its simply amazing. I truly got pulled into the lines and words.
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GREAT JOB!! The last two lines were wonderful. I really enjoyed this. Like all of your writings, it has depth. =]
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Chills
The last two lines are killer! Nice flow and rhythm.
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a strong, surreal, imaginative piece that plays with images in impressive ways while adding to the genuine emotion of the piece. the image of the sort of western town at the beginning is so effective and so well-done. the following took me by surprise, and strikes me as brilliant, given the lead-up to it provided by the previous lines:
"I cry inside as outward I am huffing and puffing.
The rain never ceases in this shantytown of illusion,
as I am the mayor forming armies of conclusion."
and the last line is a brilliantly effective ending. the reader is left to understand that the paint- is blood.
this piece is not flawless, however. some of the rhyming seemed strained and contrived, and it doesn't flow perfectly in all places. these things detract from the piece, but its strength shines through; and my overall impression is very favorable.
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These are the lines I liked best: "There I am black without the thought of you and me.
No death, nor life,
Not even the gray matter inbetween called strife,..."
Is there a spacing typo between lines 7&8?
I also liked the last four lines, "Yet always I am consumed by the sorrow,
As the sun sets and there is no tomorrow,
As the clouds roll over and I become faint,
And finally the white canvas is full of paint."
Thanks for sharing this work
S23
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An excellent write...Full of imagery and beautiful emotion...
I adore the last 4 lines....Very powerful...
Many blessings
~A~
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Definetly a well written and well thought out poem. Any one whom has experienced depression will understand your well chosen words.
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Wow, an incredible write, to which I can certainly relate. Excellent imagery, rhythm and rhyme as usual.
Since I've experienced, in past years, chronic depression, and have spent productive time in Mental Health Wards (time out for oneself, can be very rewarding), yes, I can most certainly relate to the feelings expressed in this poem. This write also reminds me of a poem, I wrote when I was in a Mental Health Ward of a major medical facility. It's called:
"Depression/Transition". Here's a link for those interested in reading it:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2137413
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