I Never Did

I Never Did
by shastadaisey123

old musty smell
my life
my army uniform
packed away for 30 years
memories in a footlocker sealed
against prying eyes

letters from home wrapped
in a fat rubber band
old and rotted
  needs to be replaced
or I should burn the letters from Mom
burn the uniform
the flag
the skeletal remains of what could have been

but wasn't

I didn't know the man who came home
from the war
edged with drugs

alcohol

killing

& nightmare memories

I came home with my body whole

but a part of me stayed behind

four years of Hell

years I could never rewind

21~~

I was old enough to vote
did I want to?

no~~

I wanted to go back drink warm beer
smoke the ever ready rolled cigarettes
that took away reality~~
have dark haired girls
sitting under the table
"to take care of Joe"

that was the only way we knew how to survive
as we watched so many die
black, yellow and white
none of it was right

just kids~~

women suckling newborn babes
mourning beside their dead man's grave
boys so young they didn't need to shave
losing arms and legs

steel splinters in their head

eyes blown away

crying out I wish I was dead

then they were

but I never did

my mother stored all my things for me.....

she said "someday, you will want to go back in your mind"
someday is here
she died last week
now I am finding that boy from long ago
as a man I was always afraid to know
what memories lay in this old trunk
faded pictures of a cocky smiling bunch of boys
all of them were killed the next day in an ambush attack
all but one, but did I ever come back?

I never did

the me that lived in a belief that life was good
before learning the realities of war
stayed in the fermented jungle
with pieces of flesh and rotting wood

I touched the medals
purple, silver and gold
scattered bits of paper and notes
phone numbers
"I'll look you up when this is over"
"we'll get together when we get old"

we never did

I had sealed the memories
finaly married & had a family of my own
only as half a man
the biggest part of me
stayed in that killing land

I gathered the remnants of me
now it was time to go home

to my wife who knows me~~

better than I know myself
she has lived the war over and over with me
on a sleepless, death infected night
sweltering in a jungle
the sand rusty red
body parts falling like tainted snow
I wake up screaming inside
she holds me tight
"baby it's all right to cry"

but I never did

it is time to go home and talk to my family

tell my daughter the things I've done
hold my sons and say it's all right to cry
take my wife on a journey through my mind
relive the days then let the past die
she always wanted me to

but, I never did

I gently closed the lid
softly saying good bye
to my mother and the young boy
she sent off to war
always wanted to tell her

it just wasn't my time to die

but I never did

I felt tears sliding down my cheek
strangely, the upward curve of my lips
became a reservoir of hope

& I swear that gangly young boy of long ago
walked in my shoes that night
I was going to talk about my life
everything was going to be all right

I felt my mother's presence
saw a smile on her face
heard her voice say so softly
"Son you are doing what is right"


yes, I did

yes, I did