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Defense is Failing

Come jump my heart walls of illusion.
They are crumbling for you.
I'll have you feeling just like you want it.
You there, wavering in my ocean,
as I die inside your kiss.

Author notes

First poem written for Ap. Around 2001 on my old pen name lovedreamscontrol

A contest entry

What do you think?

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Comments


  • sevnsyn silver member
    August 24

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    I like it..Even the last line..I like it alot..Fake walls crumbling for someone as you have them feeling as they desire..Powerful I think!


  • nitefire
    April 26, 2008
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    I really do not feel this last line is over the top. It describes the physical bliss that was after the walls receded and we were able to share without fear. The last line is a reference to "le petit mort" or small death that occurs during orgasm, happily coined by the French. As it is a reference to such it is not a change of planes of involvement. Well, at least not to me. Neither do I view it "over the top" because I do not write of literal death.
    Although, my opinion here is of little significance, since it is the readers view that ultimately carries on.
    I will think of maybe changing the wording latter,but this as is is in the original form that I wrote for ap in 2001.
    Thank you for your supportive comments Robin and Judy!
    ~Leah


  • Robin Candor
    April 25, 2008

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    I have neglected to realize how long you have been here. That is my fault. I should have paid more attention. This piece reminds me of some other writers who captured my attention early on in my sojourn here that kept me coming back. The commentor previous to me thought the last line was 'over the top'. The last line is only over the top because it does not relate to the previous sentence. Had you said, 'As I die, or drown inside your tide'. we would not be having this discussion because it would have been your ocean and the other person's meeting. Don't switch planes of involvement especially in a short work. Just a thought. RC

  • Judith Chandler
    April 25, 2008

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    A nice romantic first write. I like "wavering in my ocean" though "I die inside your kiss" is a tad over the top.

    Thank you for the submission to my contest.