Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Saying Goodbye Brings You Back

i can see trinkets in the moon light wave across a vanilla sky

they shimmer like film on a silver screen

the passionate fire of my candle burns to the wick

and darkness consumes me like the pain of chapped lips

i swear to this day i would never be here again

in this chamber of my mind

i feel so unclean that the fairest soap will not clens me

my knees shake within my knickers

my youth is gone and my life is just begining

a push, a thrust to the new me

 

 

Author notes

word i used are wick, film, screen, chap, swear, soap, trinkets, chamber, knickers, and thrust

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • NickBlaze
    April 12
    Edit | Reply
    There are some typographical errors, such as "clens", and a few parts that seem to make no grammatical sense: "light wave" for instance. I see almost no abstraction in this, but merely metaphors for a very shallow topic. The metaphors are beautiful and some lines were also very beautiful as well, but it is rather shallow.


  • Gypsie Ink
    April 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Nice

    "vanilla sky" "the fairest soap will not cleanse me" are good.

    Thank you for your entry and Best of luck in the contest.


  • broken-colours
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This poem made me giggle... was it supposed to do that? Some lines were serious-sounding.. and others were downright silly! Nice use of the wordbank, and good luck in the contest!


  • KayJay
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very good... nice use of the chosen words... I did have to chuckle at "my knees shake within my knickers" - haven't heard that word in years! Well done!
    Ken


  • Aralyn Leighanna
    April 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm I really like how this peice can be one of many things. Nice It's kind of like silly putty, you can make it into whatever you want

    Thanks for the entree!

1 - 6 of 6