Long ago, I met someone, and our love grew
for the time since, she’s been my dove true.
When she and I gaze into each other’s eyes deeply
we both know, there’ll be no goodbyes now.
For when we part, as the day does come
our life together, for the time to come, shows right.
When night does fall our love shall renew always,
for our love shows us to be true blue together.
Our love is always made in many ways,
not just within the body’s touch, though it is plenty done.
I asked her one day, to join me for all years left in our lives,
when given response, she queried me when the hour begins.
© Jonathan Wikkins April 25, 2008
All Rights Reserved
Author notes
You are to write us a poem using the rhyme scheme aabb
(3 stanzas)
Your rhyming words are to be the next to the last word of each line.
In the second and fourth line of each stanza you may not use the letter "a" at all.
Your genre must be love.
In a list
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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heeeey, nice graphics... although I thought the girl on the side was holding up her fishing catch of the day... (skewed perspective, I know...) makes me want to go on a fishing trip with you... lol OK, your piece- no a's, check, rhyme scheme- check, though 'does' and 'shows' are only near rhymes, but the rule wasn't 'exact' rhymes, now was it! I prefer near rhymes anyway, for example, the girl on the side panel might be saying 'I like my pike, a bit skinny but tall, the longest catch of all!'- now you see- exact rhyme is best suited for humor...!
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You did a great job here, Johnathan. I liked the simplicity of the piece and how it tugged at heartstrings. I felt it was a bit choppy at times, but that must just be me and of course I tried this, but seemingly my muse is not into writing about love without the letter a.
My beloved sings her night,
rests within her tender voice.
Another note ascends, flies high,
sleeps within, now cries love.
See, I can't even get past the first stanza. You really did a great job poet. I enjoyed the love. -
it's a very pretty, subtle yet strong poem....genuinely felt love. i can see it can be difficult to rhyme in last but one...really good!!!! all the best to you and all of us!
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Oh my,
This is lovely. I love the softness. Are you a hopeless romantic? ahhhh.... me too!!!
I actually am impressed with you this round, and it is very obvious that you have turned up the heat for this round. Seriously!! I like the rhyming words that you chose. It is great. and is it not amazing how many times we want and need the letter "a" when we can't? HA! It is so irrating to have a line PERFECT, and then BOOM we see the "a". Nice work here.
my score for you this week is 97. WELL DONE!!!
Mel
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yes i am a hopeless romantic at times, after this contest is over you'll have to read some of my other works... not all are about love or loss... in fact, most border on prophecy... and they blindsided me for the most part!
mike
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Hi Cutie :)
OK....first I check for Rules....and I think you are missing a rhyme...2nd stanza...(lines aa).....*does & shows* do not rhyme...in my opinion :)
Great job on no *A* in 2nd or 4th lines of each stanza :)
....and your ( 3 ) stanzas on the genre of LOVE are soooo lovely Jonathan....*sigh*
However.....the word...*for* is used way too many times, and it takes away from the beauty of your other words ~
I feel you could have used more commas to slow the Reader down a bit, so we can absorb all of your wonderful thoughts, but there are so many areas which I feel it necessary, I can not list all of them.....nonetheless, after the 2nd read, I was ready to slow myself down, and not count on your punctuation to do so, and your Flow was better....IMHO ~
OK...I am a Judge who likes to see Poetic Format in these Rounds, unless called for otherwise.......however, we did not call for it, so I can not deduct points for that area of your work.....but Free Verse is just not very Poetic............. for me......but not all of the time, just the times where the Writer will begin to write a Poem, and end up with a long *story* ~
However, this is one of the prettiest writes I have read in a long time.....lots of depth and emotion tugging inside my chest ~
Your Presentation, absolutely heartfelt and moving.....would love to have that picture framed in my office :)
Your Theme.........powerful in its' own way....lasting impression is well penned....Impact is something I want you to work on for me......I have a feeling Melanie will say your Impact is fine....and it is, sorta....but I want to REALLY get tossed around by your words and moved by the emotion within your spilled ink :)
....But....not bad :)
Over-all.....I think after you edit that missed rhyme and take out some of your Filler Words, (your call)...this will be a Very solid entry with so much to offer the Readers poetically, years to come :)
Remember, these are only my opinions as one of your Judges :)
Your score will be sent to Melanie,
the best to you and your entry,
....and may God bless you always Buddy,
Bear ~
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Wow an awesome piece, full of feeling. You have done great work, this isn't the easiest of challenges but your poem makes it look a breeze. Superbly penned. Good luck
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good write
very well done, and very well said.
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Wow, what a sweet piece this is;
a simple write you've penned
with love totally felt here
Good luck to all of us, then ^^'
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