Once i saw a girl that looked like a angel
Not even the devil inside can put his label
With such beauty i had to talk to her
but all i could do is just walk to her
I tried to say the words but i was so afraid
I was scared she was gonna tell me no way
My heart is pounding like a stampede of cattle
My hands just rattle as i try to get her attention
When i did i mention the fun we had as friends
And hope to marry and be till the end
A contest entry
- My deepest Feelings of within by Abner.
600 points, ended May 5, 2008, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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You wrote "like a angel," but I believe it would be more correct to say "like AN angel." "An" always proceeds vowels.
I really like how you used rhyming occasionally, but didn't overdo it... which allowed for the poem to never sound forced.Great write, and very deserving of its trophy placement! -
this is awsome..
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wow. this is great. not much like my works, but really good.
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Oh this was really really sweet.. You have shown such great emotion with this piece...There are only a few place that you might want to edit before the judging
"My hands just rattle as i try to get here attention"
I think that you might mean "her" instead of "here"..
"My heart is pouonding like a stampede of cattle"
I think might mean "pounding instead of "pouonding" ..
And thats it really!! other then those little mishaps you did really good here.. well done. best of luck to you..
Jetleena
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