I'm Not Crying

My heart hurts and bleeds
And I can not stop the pain
I stand outside of this life
Watching frame by frame
Wondering at what exactly will happen
next
Will my existence eventually be put
in some context
Of meaning
The story line a vortex
Of confusion and lies
Mysteries concluded
Broken unbreakable ties
I offer up to you wrists streaked
by the blood of my sins
Close my eyes to the tear drops
Would you do it again
If you could change this life
father
What would you alter
Would you make me into son
instead of lesbian daughter
Would you shelter me from sights
Blind me from sins
Would you be a real daddy
instead of a fake friend
Would you keep my confidence
And never let go
Or would you stay the antagonist
of the Jay show
Would you leave things as they stand
As they stood when you ran away
Do you haunt this house in which I live
Because I think that you have left me
And I have yet to understand
why that hurts so much inside
When in life you did nothing but lie
hurt
and betray me
and break my heart
And as you slipped away
I learned to start
giving you a forgiveness
that was anything but real
FUCK YOU
for making me feel
I want to be numb and send it all away
I want to go back to the sins of yesterday
When I knew for a fact that you would
out live us all
When I could hear your breathing just across the hall
when I masterminded ways to bring it to an end
when I realized you were the reason I will never love a man
I bought a new mario game
not even close to the first
I want my childhood with you back
And the memories are the worse
You taught me how to ride my bike
and how to fix a flat
You carried me on your shoulders
around your neck
on your back
Sometimes you even tucked me
in
made sure I was snug and tight
even though I had come and woken you
up
in the middle of the night
to do something I was too scared to do
I have always been a daddy's girl but I
wasted so much time hating you
before you left this world

So much fucking time wasted.......................

JayLynn
Copyright 2003 All Rights Reserved