They writhe along in gentle beats against
the wavelet's winds, yield to those silent waves
which beckon them again.
For beneath the dust is hazel birch scarred
by time and air, traced by the shadows cast
and boding glass, and there, the endless sea resides:
filled with cream and a hint of dew.
At a touch of light they slowly sing, dance
along their softened rings, and now it seems
that they play their show to none but me.
And I cannot help but follow them, past tender folds
without an end; in a maze built for better men,
rather than me. So I remain mesmerized,
As
Time
Motions
Forward
And ceases to be.
Author notes
intending to capture a moment:
For Hannah
Enjoy
In a list
A contest entry
- What do you see? by The Stephi.
375 points, ended June 23, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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this
was written a year ago yesterday.
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I didn't quite understnad it but it was beautiful to read. I didn't get the image. Maybe that's just me.
tweet? -
Yeah, I agree with.. (insert name here). It definately sounds like it's a day dream type of thing. I like it
When you read it... It's kind of, like, you can picture the ... Hmm.. How to explain it. You know in movies, how you can tell when something's in a dream mode - how everything is contrasted brighter and it's like a cloud that deeply starts from the edges and smudges and fades in. Yeah. That's what I see around this poem and what I feel when I read it. You know?
CONFUSING xD -
Strongly evocative
A lovely immersion in experience, this piece exhibits an excellent use of repeated sounds, in-line and cross-line rhymes (especially the almost/close but not exact rhymes, which IMO add to the dreamy quality of this piece).
I love your use of imagery and other poetic devices. "They writhe along in gentle beats against / the wavelet's winds, yield to those silent waves / which beckon them again." Yum!
An excellent write! Congratulations on being featured on AP's front page Spotlight.
There is a lilting quality to this piece that makes me want to form it (mentally) into form! I find I really want another beat in Line 3, as: "which THEN beckon them again." (but this is only because I am so focused on form and meter right now. Your wording works well for this piece.) I Line 13 I want to read: "rather than for me."
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wow
thats just amazing!! i dont even know what to say, its beautifull and truly suggests that time has slowed to a stop! i love it!
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I disagree greatly with Nam. The form fits very well. and i have to go dangit! i will finish this comment later i promise.
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Amazing.
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beautiful and well written, it sets the tone perfectly and really calls an image to the mind. sorry i didn't vcomment before, i had to go work (fun fun)i do like it.
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"and boding glass, and there, the endless sea resides:"
I found the line above to be a tad repetitious with the use of "and". I really don't feel either one is needed but at least, and this is just a suggestion, one of them should be removed.
"filled with cream and a hint dew."
The end of this line doesn't read grammatically correct, perhaps you're missing "of" between "hint" and "dew", or another word?
The ending was a bit weak; I'm all for spacing (evidently) but the way you ended your poem, just didn't sit well with me in the form at the end, it doesn't go with the rest of the form. Seems off. Sometimes it works using different forms in a poem, here I do not believe it does.
Just an opinion.
-Nam -
What an unusual interpretation of this picture prompt served in this contest to inspire writers. Interesting use of line breaks and space you have created in this poem. Just waiting for that giant POP that comes at the end of this bubble.
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Ok...1st thing wow!! And I thought I was great with imagery, but I swear every stanza and blew me way with the images that were coming into my head as I read it! I found that it made read it a few times, but I believe that it has to go along with the imagery!! It almost took me into what I think was a dream or along those lines!!
~*Cristy*~ -
Hmm, a very zoned out poem. I could see this as a description of a day dream. Nice use of soft subtle images of vague something. I like it.
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Dramatic
Splendid imagery, and has such a softness to it, and forced me to whisper while reading it.
love how the shape drifts(not talking about the last line btw) although, that definitely adds the final sink. Well done.
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great piece of poetry. Imagery is lovely in this piece. Like how you have finished the poem with the slanting, gives a great effect as you are reading it, like your slowing down then just suddenly stopping 'and ceases to be'. Great piece enjoyable read!
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Love the railroad tracks
I like the analogy to water. The imagery is rather dreamy.
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Hmmm... Interesting. Beautiful, with a great flow and vocabulary that I have come to expect from you. I especially like the formatting of the last few lines. Great write, and best of luck in the contest
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~stares in amazment~ it's... beautiful... breath-taking..... wonderful... I don't know how else to describe it.... wow.
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