to simply just combine the options
to only live with such frivolity when darkness bekons
to have the luxury of choosing to play the solitary game
to simply play contestant and then go out to sunshine
to know it was only an expiriment in nature
the nature of the mind
that would be nice.
so nice i think that it would be
to have the option of forgetting the sun
to choose harm and be comfortable in the knowledge
to be able to go home eventually when the trial is over
to travel back to the reality of laughing puppies
to the stickyness of candy
to melting icecream.
to be alone for many years
to truly know the word emptiness like socks
to wake and don those socks each day and tread upon them
to consider those socks that never know holes
to be your only source of comfort
that is a touch of what it is
to know solitairy.
to still be here somehow
to know the smiles of children and remember
to remember sledding and not hating the winter that comes
to live life and absorb it like it means something
to be a part of something beyond damage
to know more than blood and brains
to simply forget solitair
and live again.
A contest entry
- SOLITARY by rainwalker.
450 points, ended April 29, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I have to agree with brook sis very good love the natural details causing almost an inner search
a love for some of the things around us
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wow. ur poems are always so good. i wish i could write like you. keep it up ttyl
--Brook
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I think I see where you are going with this, the idea that even once you have escaped solitary you still carry it around with you, keep thinking about it. This is a good start but I think this could use a bit of work or tweaking. There are several places where the language gets very confusing and some places that read awkwardly or break the flow of this piece. For example :
"to be alone for many years
to truly know the word emptiness like socks"
-I just have no idea what you are trying to say here.
"to simply just combine the options"
-in this line I would suggest removing the word "just", it seems like an extra word thrown in there and "simply" is more effective by itself.
A few technical problems:
-"bekons" should be beckons
-"expiriment" should be experiment
-"stickyness" should be stickiness
-in the second to last line "solitair" should be solitary.
This is a very good start and you do have a clear idea behind the piece, just flesh it out a bit more and try to clear up some of the confusing language, simplify the piece a bit and it could really be an interesting poem. Thank you for sharing this and good luck!
-Laura
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