My garden is rarely visited
has grown tired and withered over the years
It is a garden of decay.
Footsteps fall on dry dead leaves,
crushing them to powder beneath tired feet.
Its once fine trails
have become overgrown with weeds,
and brittle vines have taken over the trellises.
Love has abandoned it
leaving it neglected .
Where fine roses once grew,
skeletal brambles are all that remain.
Sunshine refuses to show itself here,
fog creeps slowly across its surface
as a lone dove
cries mournfully
from atop a broken fencepost.
In a list
A contest entry
- A WALK IN YOUR GARDEN by Richard Adams, A Winkling #76. by Lyndon.
2800 points, ended May 18, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Sadness reigns in this wonderful poem.
I like it, with its mood quickly building into a crescendo of dismal life. The vocabulary you use is very vivid.
I would have omitted a few superfluous words such as l.2 'has'. l.3 'it is,' l7 'have become ...however, I like the poem, I feel it, and it leaves me forlorn...poor garden, poor dove.
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Ahh. there is much sadness in this neglected garden. Truly a wonderful addition to this contest.
I would like to have seen you terse this up a bit though, with less use of conjunctions. I think the bleak loneliness would have been even more powerful that way.
I will be happy to share if you are so inclined. But they are only my thoughts.
A wonderful entry. Best of luck in the judging.
~Pamela 
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Sad metaphor
Every detail shows so much how things are not the most inspiring as it was when everything was still growing. Flowers are beautiful, and aren't they usually kind gifts. After the first few beginning lines that give a preview of the extended wintriness, it dramatizes such emotions in the fourth and fifth verses. We end up loosing that tenderness to not step on any living part of the garden, no longer being afraid to use it as a pathway once all brown. Or, it could be in this case part of a process not on the correct road of liking each other.
All of this emphasizes immediate lost stories even if silly like a miniature farm you're too old to want to deal with anymore. You make me contemplate sadness elongating over those weeds, nothing kept straight and tight, trimmed. Clipping off anger when it gets shabby. Clearly brings out the topic in, "Love has abandoned it leaving it neglected." Makes me remember a very short poem about a child's commonly used sandbox left alone when adult. That's sort of normal, but I think the pulse is so like this write.
I love the reference to sun as a bond like "You are my sunshine" turned away through this double back-off. However, it works really well to wrap up another detail of why the 'plants' didn't stay in good shape. The ending also attracts me though I am having watery eyes in mind, similar to when I smile at happy stuff with a total new comparison for conclusion letting you imagine.
Powerful pour from the heart with control,
PIA-K -
well written
sounds like you need a little light from Jesus,follow Him and your garden will never stop growing.. -
Wow.... 1st this is a great read it has a wonderful flow to it!! I love that! 2nd even with the metaphors, and imagery it has its dark and almost gloomy, but for me Its kind of like a secret garden, one that has been over grown that just needs some love and care to become somthing amazing! Great write! Keep penning!!
~*Cristy*~ -
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Thank you so much for the encouraging comment ~Bret~
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I can picture this garden from your descriptive imagery, and can tell it'd decayed. I suspect this is a metaphor for someone's life. I don't think you need L3. You're already telling us that.
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Thank you for the comment, it is much appreciated
as for the metaphor, you are correct ~Bret~
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Despair depicted in mournful, lonely verse. You set the mood and reflected the grief, growing in the garden of decay. Beautifully depressing poem.
regards,
- phattkat -
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Thank you much for reading this and commenting ~Bret~
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A++
This is a beautifully penned poem, with such imagery. It would seem like a poem for sleepy hollow, except that it is not about horror or anything of that aspect. I love the picture to start the poem, and I love the fact that instead of writing some poem about how beautiful your garden is and such, like most people would, you took a different approach, a garden of decay. Well penned here.
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Thank you for such an excellent comment , I am glad that you have enjoyed it. ~Bret~
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Morbidly Amazingly
I absolutely adore it... I love your image, but I love the poem even more... exquisite...
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Thank you much for the comment, and taking the time to read this. ~Bret~
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