Rice
paper
laid as test
Shaolin student
~~
slow unsteady feet
tentatively make first move
no track left behind to prove
worthiness, intent
~~
high step sideways
gently down
again
one
reflex
slow motion
shallow breathing
~~
energy focused
life force, papyrus are one
void of evidence when done
virginal parchment
~~
perseverance
rewarded
lessons
spent
sojourn
will begin
experienced
~~
believer’s journey
only walked by purest soul
labor of love; self control
faithfully rehearsed
~~
New Shaolin priest
enters world
without
trace
Author notes
My very first attempt at an Arkquain Swirl
Form created by one of my bestest friends on the site..
Arkbear! I hope I counted correctly...because if not,
this time, I will shoot myself (I have a water pistol loaded and on hand as we speak!)
This poem reflects how I look at life...
I want to make a difference...not a mark...
A contest entry
- Poetry Formed XXVIII by Arkbear.
500 points, ended May 6, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - personal favorite by Virgoan.
2000 points, ended June 9, 2008, 64 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Nice form used. I like how you manifest your thoughts on this piece. Beautifully played
I can see clearly where you are going. We all wish to do the same but some are tainted even before they set foot on their goal.
Thanks for sharing your gift
HENSLEY
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Hi Julie :)
Dang....another fine job on the Arkquain Swirl ~
Look at these..>>>
high step sideways
gently down
again
one
reflex
slow motion
shallow breathingperseverance
rewarded
lessons
spent
sojourn
will begin
experiencedBoth Very pretty Swirls....but try to keep them looking alike :)
I want you to look at each one of your (5 ) syllable lines......do you see how each one goes inward too much, and makes your diamond shape not so pretty when heading into....or leaving your two ( 7 ) syllbale lines?
Other than that.....this is going to be in the Top somewhere......you have penned this Theme with your personal touch which I have grown so accustomed ~
:)
High step....should be *high-step*
......and.....the lack of punctuation is something not even noticeable because of the terrific Flow which I am VERY impressed with, in such a restricted syllable count Form :)
Rhyme is a tad weak and common, but still, it works for me ~
This will go to Finals as well.....and you have just disrrupted the standings in this contest....hehe ~
Grrreat job Julie and may God bless you for supporting this contest with your talents and efforts ~
Good luck!
Bear ~
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Mahalo Bear!
for the compliments...and the Bronze! I'm stoked....you know how hard it is for me to count right...let alone, get a perfect form...
But ...this form works really well with my type of poems...so am working on more! I will someday also win the Gold ...somewhere with an Arkquain.
Thanks again!
*PEACE*
Julie
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Wonderful ceremony in form poetry - your words will be leaving a delightful trace in our minds.
Good Luck in the contest!
Tang
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Thanks so much for your comments!
I had fun at least!
Write on.
*PEACE*
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Your work sure does compliment the form very nicely. A beautiful job. Very well presented too. Good luck in the contest.
Kelli
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Thanks Kelli!
I'm trying...
I almost saved this for PO contest...but thought I'd see a review first..
Then possibly pen another. Best wishes!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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DROP the the water pistol and back up......lol
Well....I am no expert as this would be my very first attempt too....but I sure like it! Unique....nice read....creative and pretty on screen....what else could you want? Great job and good luck in the contest! Jamie
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Mahalo Jamie!
Yours looks really great...and the poem is beautiful! Best wishes to you also...fun to compete with my friends from PO. I have entered three or four of Bear's formed contests and only counted correctly ONCE! lol
Write on!
*PEACE*
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