As light does fade on the western shore,
and tide rolls in caressing the sand,
I rest here on this ledge once more,
with waves rushing in upon the land.
My thoughts return to a time long past,
now buried deep within my mind,
while time again has been recast,
with solitude so hard to find.
A single tear streaks down my face,
Liquid heartache, now shown to the world,
for time that's gone can not be replaced,
my endless anguish seems now unfurled.
I have not the tears for the love I lost
A distant heart always carries a heavy cost.
Author notes
English (Shakespearean) sonnet, (abab cdcd efef gg.)
In a list
A contest entry
- Rhymed Form Poetry by Metaphorist.
600 points, ended April 25, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options! Prewrites accepted. by after-silence.
900 points, ended July 14, 2008, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - English Sonnets Please (romantic) by poets whisper.
900 points, ended November 28, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Excellent sonnet! You do such a great job conveying emotion powerfully even within the constraints of such a strict form. Your couplet at the end was probably my favorite part, though the entire thing was very beautiful. Thank you so much for entering my contest.
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Beautiful piece. The one thing I found off about it was the word "upon" used three times in three lines (2-4). Other than that, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
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Thank you for pointing that out to me, I have redone a couple lines, and i think it is much better the way it is now, thanks again ~Bret~
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Yes, it is much better. I'm glad I could help
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I think it's great
I hope you win! -
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Thank you for the encouraging comment ~Bret~
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Not bad
Overall, I have just a few things to say:
(1) The second and fourth lines say the same thing. Not that repetition in a poem is a bad thing, per se, but in a sonnet (since they are so short) there's not a lot of room to get out what you want to say, and repeating lines comes off as more wasteful than artistic
(2)The idea of anguish comes off in the poem loud and clear, but as a reader I feel distanced by the fact that you never mention why you feel this way. The symptoms of heartache are there, but we have no idea what you're on about. This seems counter-productive to the main mission of the poem, which seems to be letting us vicariously experience your sorrow. If you maybe tell us the reason you feel these emotions, it would be easier to sympathize, or even empathize. The fifth and sixth lines seem to lead up perfectly to this exposition, but then you back off, leaving us wondering and just a bit unsatisfied...
It's not a bad little sonnet; I think that if you tweak it a bit it could be very powerful. -
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thanks much for the comments and suggestions, I have fixed it up a bit ~Bret~
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This isn't a bad job ...
but the first line is weakened by the archaism (does fade). It's obvious that the "does" is there just to add another syllable. Why not say:
As twilight fades on the western shore,
and tide rolls in upon the sand
which seems to me to work far better and removes the 15-19th Century archaism of using some form of the verb "to do" to add an extra syllable to a line to fill it out metrically?
Anyway, other than that, you've not done badly.
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment , but "removes the 15-19th Century ", that is kind of thestyle I was going for.
Thanks again ~Bret~
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Nice sonnet. I enjoyed the painful nostalgia, the hopeless loss of a deep tragedy taking form. Will there be more? I hope so!
I like how your narrator so easily describes his past with art, how he knew it, heard it, felt it. Your style inspires me!
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Thank you much for the kind comment. As for there being more, only time will tell, this is actually my first sonnet, But I have to admit, that I love the flow of this style, so I am sure to use it again. Thanks again ~Bret~
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