Locked box persona
stifles under a shroud of lost keys,
that agoraphobia christened freedom.
Exhale beguiles inhale to tally longer,
taste arid plea from corseted ribs
to resurrect song sang when deep,
like submissive bound by choice
to pent-up release, it only takes examples
to live a masquerade.
Author notes
"Because she never really learnt how to breathe" - H.R.
49 Words
A contest entry
- Quote Inspired - Under 50 Words by Exodus.
525 points, ended May 10, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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To be honest I don't really like the way you've left out the 'middle words' as I call them. Those words that alone don't seem necessary but help make up a sentence.
It does create a certain feel of breathlessness, but I'm not sure if the words you've chosen to use work with that.
Having said that, this is, as always, up to a higher standard than I expected from anyone in the contest.
Thank you
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ooohhhhh....i really like this, and the use of masqueradem this is soooo beautifully written
great write and good luck
take care
stephanie
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Stark and intense. Especially the ending.
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Such a powerful ending to a perfect piece
"like submissive bound by choice
to pent-up release, it only takes examples
to live a masquerade."
Once again brilliant, Bro!
Lynda
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That last stanza hits hard. I thought a hurricane was coming
[
sorry, not much in a serious mood]
Never ♥
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...it only takes examples to live a masquerade.
That is a profound line and I loved it! Excellent penning here. ~Pamela
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uncle you trying to beat and crush me at this. I prefered this to my entry -swaps them over- it is amazingly expresseed well done
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O.o
you need to shut that mouth of yours now and stop putting yourself down. -
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Agreed .. perhaps not quite so forcably, but certainly correct.
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haha - this girl knows I'm just like that.. but I'm serious.
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Good, she should give herself more credit for her writing, I find it very, very good and if anyone will be swopping poems its me
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The comment I first gave to her ... right...
*echoes it back to you* -
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but but im sorry -writes I love me on my head-
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Should think so as well
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good girl
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eh cant say i dont try lol
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Wondered where that echo was from
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