All along I belived your lies
All hope forgotten as I die
Alone in my private hell
Reserved for me, on my death knell
Wall myself in a tomb
My granite three by six room
In my heart angels die
A fragment of me shattered mind
Two years worth of lies
I know I won't be the only one who fries
Like when Angels fall
I know I am one of the damned
Never to be saved by the blood of the lamb
A lone drifter lost at sea
None shall ever be true to me
Forget happiness, love, life
For me is destined eternal fire and strife
I long for this charade to end
A broken soul not made to mend
So let me do the world a favor
Let me give the local news some flavor
Twenty-one year old recluse found dead
Head split open like a rotten jack'o lantern.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
See each thing amazes me at your abillity to write, and reach others personal souls, the hell in which many of us are trapped but under our own reasons and fate. Fav lines
I long for this charade to end
A broken soul not made to mend
Ive felt this way a time or two
but somehow we always find a way to struggle thru the unthinkable times, and make our way to a slightly better place.
What a WONDERFUL way to keep ones mind going. Keep up the great word play!!
Emily
-
This is truly amazing work. I love the feeling behind it and the thoughts and time put into this work of art. "A broken soul not made to mend" Brilliant. A poem of dispair and of lost hope. I love it and I can relate to it. Five Stars.
-
This poem is utterly depressing; you must truly feel this much sorrow and hopelessness to portray it so well. One of the best I've ever read.
-
Two years worth of lies
I know this isn't really based on your poem, but that line stuck out at me. Reminds me of my marriage.
Other than that this is a really good write!! -
So let me do the world a favor
Let me give the local news some flavor
Twenty-one year old recluse found dead
Head split open like a rotten jack'o lantern <<< those lines for me were pure genius, very sad obviously but the actuall wording and rhyme at the start made this a very ver good ending, you started out strongly and finished superbly with this, i always think the last few lines make a poem and this is what you have done here, good poem overall but such a powerful ending, well done :] -
In line eight I believe you meant to type "my" instead of me. Also, the last line doesn't follow the rhyme scheme. If you worded it to end with the word "head" just by rearranging words and changing a few it would work a lot better. That really kills the end which is the strongest part of this piece. The last six lines are golden, but the rest of this piece sounds like the rhymes were forced. I feel like you had an idea for this in your head and tried to make it rhyme which marred the initial vision some. Perhaps if this were free verse it would work better. Just a suggestion.
-
Chills
Hey dude, I love the poem and it gave me chills, but you need to understand something. When you said that you were one of the damned never to be saved by the blood of the lamb, you were wrong. Jesus came down to earth, left all of his comforts in heaven to walk among us, why? For you. For me. For everyone who comented one this poem. He left that lap of luxery because he loves us, no matter what we look like, what we have done, he STILL loves us. I know Im not going to be the most popular person on this website for witnessing on here, but I feel like its my duty. I personally was on a horrible path, but God turned me around. I was already a christian but I had left the faith. But you know what? HE FORGAVE ME. Even though I had done what I had done, He opened his arms and accepted me like the prodical son. I challenge you to do 3 things. Get a Bible, look up this verse, John 3:16 and listen to this verse. He will never leave you or forsake you. What that means is that no matter what you do, He will always love you with a passion. The third thing is on Sunday, I want you to go to a church and sit in on the Sunday service, listen to the pastor, there is some incredible advice. I would recomend Baptist but thats up to you. -
This was very intense & deep. With each line drawing me in even more. I enjoyed this. It is different then what I have read. I like dark. I hope that you really don't feel this way. Has someone broke you heart? That is what I get out of this. Anyways thank you for sharing your work with us here on AP. In Love & Light... Blessed Be! ~~Iridessa MoonFlower~~
-
When I read the title, I knew I had to read it... and I'm glad I did. It's deep and meaningful and the way you wrote it, jointed, makes it flowing and fast-paced.
-
This is amazing. i really liked how it was just all together. great job! you're a great writer.
-
finally a poem I haven't read yet... hah. Nice work, too. You did a wonderful job writing this! keep up your amazing work. i just added a new poem earlier today, if you like, stop by and read it.
if you don't mind... haha. Keep up your good work!
CrimsonViper -
Its very good
its very good but i would hope that you never do that. but i give you and applause.
-
really good,, i don't like how you discribed how his head was split open, "jack'o lantern" i don't know a different last line maybe but it royu work its different and deep like it.
-
wow. this is really good. I love how you wrote this. It all just melted togeather. It reminds me of me and stuff i've writtne. It's a bloody great write.
-
Three letters wow
well I like this. Reminds me of a few pieces I wrote. You even managed to make it ryme. I am in love with this.Faved so badly!!! But as everyone says your not a bad writer and you are a great person. If you want to stop feeling so depressed go out and help people! See the world change around you as you mold it. One good deed diserves another. Stop moping and live you'll have enough time to say life sucks when your dead! *Hugs*
~OG
-
sadly the news would make you look like an attention starved fool when all you are is an amazing man who cant find the right path...
much love brother
youre words are impacting and amazing
whether you believe us or not.
-
I still don't get why you think you're not a good writer, because I think this is great. It's sad, but still good. Sadly, I still don't know what to say to this =/ I can't threaten you with cement anymore and the staple gun may be in sight
just don't do anything stupid...and you know very well that this poem's view of you isn't true. You wouldn't be doing the world a favor.
-
yeah for sure you dont want to go out like that do you really ? I mean deep down inside man when no one else is listening, any way nice work dude i like this one it rhymed nice and sadly made total sense great work man
-
not exactly the news story Id want to hear.. I'd kill you again! ha!
i like this a lot actually, so be proud of it
♥
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
