My hands smell of hymn and revival today
for a gravestone sometimes calls for more
than epitaphs -
by even-numbered bouquets
we learn our history
and mistakes misinterpret the concept of
a phoenix:
She had kaleidoscope eyes
that blatantly stared into mine
chocolate covered and wild
five-o-clock's shouts
gave soul to her body
when night wasn't dark enough
under rainbow covers
her wordless lips spoke truth
treasured by troubled youth
until from the climate of teeth
and ”real life”, she called herself
a talisman. Her eyes of color
and sea were replaced by an agate,
its moons never wasted to sand,
its silence never taken for
granted.
Unexpressed you's and me's
intertwined and eloped
under the starlight we
imagined beneath the covers.
I lived in my joint identity-
wrapped by tattered
memories until I kissed
the blanket to shreds.
Lips muttering saliva covered dialect
while pale hands grasp clouds and wind
falling further down that six foot path
to damp darkness and screaming silence
I am gone; no longer my self
my own face a stranger
unable to recognize my reflection
I murder my morals.
The words, once calm and steady
rip fierce prints upon my punctured flesh,
leaving echoes of yesterday's hopes,
upon my skin, written by invisible ink:
memories fade, in fragments of dreams.
Pain subdues and scratches dissolve,
leaving an imprint of what was once a curse
on a fickle face bent up, chest to knees.
Slowly I weep
mourning this lost seed.
I let the tears trickle
off my knee cap
and into the soil, to grow
more colorful eyes.
Author notes
Teen Idol 8, Round 4 Collaboration
I am sorry we are late, Tyler. I honestly am, because I realize you spend time on this and well, we f'ed it up a bit.
I am not the PM, autumns rising (Dani) is.
Group name: deranged by harmony
Prompt- memory with a gravestone
Our idea: reflecting on memories with old sentimental items of value, and the loss of the person you used to be.
stanza 1- dienush
2- autumns rising
3- dienush
4-5- exalted
6-7- bones7
8-9- x Empathic Rose x
10- flight
In a list
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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There were definitely places where you can tell the writer changed, its so hard to write cohesively when you are writing with a group.
The difference between stanza one and two, was really quite wide. We go from it being in the first person, to the piece being written in third person. And again with stanza's four and five, the person changes. It makes it a bit difficult to follow.
Your idea was great, but Tyler is right, the piece seems disjointed. Still, as always I give you credit for writing together. I know that I despise collabs, it is hard to jive with one another when styles are so different. -
wow - win or losse, you guys rocked!
Seriously
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even though flight came in at the very last minute, and kind slapped that last stanza on there, i do think it was a nice closing image, and, for me, it flowed nice. it reminded me of the flowers that are placed in beside a gravestone.
stanza 1 was nice. it seemed to have some unnecesary phrases. but overall, a good start.
stanza 2 was a different style. it seemed almost no effort was put into even having a good transition into this stanza. but the idea was good. i felt there was way too much going on in this stanza though, and the focus was completely lost.
stanza 3. i didnt like the phrasing of the very first line, but the rest of it was very nice.
stanza 4. love the idea, but where's the transition? we went from the beach to a bedroom. i think it would have worked, had their prior imagery actually fit in with this one.
stanza 5. glad to see the bedroom theme is continued.
stanza 6. i really like this stanza. there is a very good blend of straight-forward and imagery. love it. :]
stanza 7. it was ok. remember...show, dont tell.
stanza 8. i do think there was a good blend of straight-forward and imagery, but it could be better with a stronger image.
stanza 9. i like the last line the best. the other stuff was alright.
stanza 10. a good ending. i just wish it would have been more natural instead of forced [obviously, by seeing what happened in the comments below]. but i do have to say that it was a strong ending.
overall, not really cohesive and rather unfocused. the style wasnt uniform, it was as if several poets were writing it. i do think that, even though this wasnt as focused and precise as the other team's poem was, you guys showed the most effort to be creative, and- win or lose- I respect that, and give you props.
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we need to put our team name in the notes...
i just reread the rules
peace to all ~flight -
This turned out pretty nicely, I think.
Just saying... I think I have a typo, in stanza three, "it silence" should have been "its silence"... sorry for messing that up, could you please edit that for me Cassidy? I'm not sure if I can...
You're all so talented
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good job to all of the team.
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Slowly I weep
mourning this lost seed.
I let the tears trickle
off my knee cap
and into the soil,
to grow
more colorful eyes.
peace to all ~flight -
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Hi Do you want me to add that in? If so, where?
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the end maybe? i'm sorry i get so lost some times
peace to all ~flight
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Glad we got it up and running. It's a shame that flight didn't participate, but I haven't heard from flight in a while.
Anyway, although we had our troubles getting this together, I think we all put effort into the final piece (at least, I know I did, was sitting there wondering what to write for ages).
Good luck to everyone else on our team. Best wishes always
~ Stef ~
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