when it rained,
i learned to be as a desert;-
cacti fingers to color in my skin,
and a mouth as swollen
as sand.
but there is never salvation,
where stories thirst for song,
& where silence is feared.
he wore yellow -
an optimistic color that shot through the sky
& his smile was of Apollo,
like the sun,
pulling me into the day...
yet,
even the slight molding of our skin
can turn cancerous.
his lips wrapped around
smiles i held,
fragile sanity
stuck between his fingertips.
but i tasted poison
on his breath, pressed
against stripped sidewalks.
i cannot escape the cemetery
beneath my fingernails.
his laughter told me
"memento" - remember.
but i forgot myself,
in the silent spaces
pressed to the curve of my hip.
he was the parasite
finger-banging
his signature on my heart.
the night was bewitching,
placing barrels of tricks in the air
and compromising wind for illusions
in attempt to enchant.
perforating memories,
he stole heartbeats and innocence
with every touch,
occasionally excusing himself
from a permanent crime scene.
but chalk never layered on ground;
instead, his fingertips traced silhouettes
that disintegrated with time.
he's gone -
the blood hasn't.
Author notes
Team B
Entry for: http://allpoetry.com/column/2341863
Prompt: "a memory with a gravestone"
Credits:
Stanza 1 & 2 : valor
Stanza 3 & 4 : bon cassandra
Stanza 5,6&7 : LiesOfDevotions
Stanza 8,9&10: Never Fall in Love
PM for this round: Never Fall in Love
Team Name: Café des rêves [café of dreams]
Ryno and Tam Lin did not participate.
In a list
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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YOU...
always pick the wrong guy... but the right words for a poem...ian
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The wrong guy is the best
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brillant...
so well written....i loved it...
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I absolutely adore stanza one, the imagery was unique and spot on.
Stanza two lacked slightly for me, it lost the pungency of stanza one.
Three, wow - we are back again.
The offset lines through me, I didn't really see a need for them.
Some of the images offset one another, not really coherent but still, the flow was continued - I respect that.
I think as a group you deserve applause, the piece was well done and your imagery (even when not meshing) was extremely unique.
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i think the opening image was stellar.
the pronoun 'he' seemed kind of sudden, and the tone kind of changed - I knew it was another author who was writing right there.
what was written in the next stanza [3, that is] was very good. i like how new ideas were brought up, without losing the focus, and also the desert theme was still carried out.
stanzas 5.. i like the idea, but the image in the sidewalk has nothing to do with the desert image. the focus is lost in that stanza,
stanza 6 didnt work for me. by now, i felt as if i was reading a totally different poem. the cemetary image would have fit in, had a ghost town theme been brought in, [sort of a suggestion] - but the thing is, the cemetary idea didnt connect with anything else image-wise. idea-wise, it did. image-wise, it didnt.
stanza 7 was nice. it brought up the 'cancer' theme brought up in stanza four. some focus is returned. but the central metaphor is still lost...
stanza 8 good idea, but is going off from the main metaphor. i did like the image and the idea a lot thouhg.
stanza 9 i think a more imagery based and less straight forward based execution would have made it stronger. but the idea there is good too.
stanza 10, just felt awkward to me. the sentence just doesnt make sense. i think if it was continued from the previous sentence [thus having those two seperate sentences unified as one] then the syntax would be able to convey the message better.
Overall, a great idea. But I have no idea what the universal theme/metaphor is. I felt the desert image was a good central metaphor, but then it seemed to go into a bunch of different images.
I do think the first four stanzas were the strongest.
The rest of them were pretty good, but the focus was lost.
Overall, not really a cohesive poem; but I do think that you guys did a nice job of blending your styles as one, even though there were a few cracks.
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This was very, very good! very captivating! I love all your writes, but this one was so so, good.
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Thank you - I cannot take all th credit though, wrote this with 3 other people
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All right, but all of it was exelent, and you all did amazing!
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this was captivating...it just swallowed me in
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i see a lot of pain in this poem... but i think i sense a little longing... whoever this guy is, you really cared about him
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umm .. O.o
This was a collaboration - me and 3 other people wrote it
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now don't I feel stupid lol
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great write full of venem you got me hating him too
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this is an amazing write and I love the way that all your lines flow well together and remain on topic. well done and best of luck
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gracias, señorita
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=D
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great job guys. we pulled it together and i love it. maybe however, in my stanza, we should change "forget" to "forgot".
What do you think? stanza 6.
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God catch - I'll fix it
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