Forgotten are the fallen friends and enemies of old
Under garden stones of marble lost to light and cold
Colors clashing flashing dashing bright before my eyes
Keeping time is not a crime the rhyme is a surprise
Tapers flaring candles glaring burning for the dead
Heaven calling angels falling landing on my head
Even fools can see the rules are bent in secret ways
Wooden ships upon the water floundering for days
Open fields of bloody grass and corpses strewn abound
Reason lost for such a cost is thrown upon the ground
Liars rule while good men mule and keep the lie alive
Devils laugh and angels cry while plain men never thrive
A contest entry
- The Best, New or Old by whispernthedark.
400 points, ended April 26, 2008, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Amazing!
First of all: I love it when poems flow like this, and the rhyming part isn't at all bad either!
But how it depicts "the state of things" is really nice, it's all very true.
Nice job!
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Wow the rhythm and flow are amazing in this. There are some very good lines in this that made me shiver a little. like: "Even fools can see the rules are bent in secret ways" = perfect! a perfect line. and I also liked: "Devils laugh and angels cry while plain men never thrive".
The only thing I didn't like was in the third line how you rhymed 3 words in a row "clashing flashing dashing". It really took away the great flow for me and there's really no reason to do that, especially since you only do it in this one line.
But besides that this is an excellent piece and I'm gonna bookmark it, if only I knew how haha.
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I love your internal rhyme, this is a wonderful piece. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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i like the rhythm here and your use of adjectives and keeping to a beat, i am forever being told off for this but i think sod them
this to me is how i write, i like it, it using language to the full with no regard to the circles that try and say no, no devils and laughetr, we are all gods and devils inside, we choose who to set free within
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i really like the way you have used the promt to say so many simple things in a well flowing poem, i think in lines 3 & 6 they could use a coma, other then that it rhymes niceley great writing, -Amy
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Another poignant write by you! There is a lot of truth in there!
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This is very well done. The message is delivered well. The use of internal and endline rhyme is finely done. Great job.
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very inspired
"And the meek shall inherit the Earth"
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spiffy i dig it
reminds me a of a fairy battle ground like in the dreden files books i think it was the "Summer Knight" book but your poem reminds me of the end battle where the fay are at war -
Excellent write...
I believe your eyes to be open wide!
And still they keep the lie alive....
Thank you for sharing (how you see it)
Many blessings
~A~
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Awesome
I love poetry like this, it's so hard to find good poetry nowa days!!! I loved it -
well done
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LOL, nice acrostic. Like the touches of end and internal rhyme, makes it a fast read and really zings the sentiment when read aloud. I don't know why but my eyes keep returning to line 3, I just like the flow and words.
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